Where Do I Begin?

So if there truly is beauty in the breakdown . . . if peace really does come with true and complete surrender . . . where do I begin?

This Road

This is what I do when I walk down this road . . . yeah this is what I do. But this time is different . . . my surroundings are different . . . I think I am different . . . but the road is the same . . . I just have to wonder where it is going . . .

Stories To Tell

Kerri mentioned in her blog that I probably had tons of stories to tell about my Thanksgiving experience . . . she just might be right.

This Thanksgiving was the first Thanksgiving that I did not spend in the NY with my mom and other assorted family members. So instead of finding my way back to NY a few days ago, I found my way (along with Kerri & Eric and the kids) to the Kerri's parents house in Gahanna. The highlights of the Wednesday to Thursday that I spent there are as follows in no particular order:

1.Being used as a work slave.
2.Hanging out with some really amazing people.
3.Kerri's grandfather asking me if I had a boyfriend . . . and bringing it up a bunch more times in random conversations throughout Thanksgiving day.
4.Having Riley accidently spit some already chewed cheese on me while we were playing Buzz Lightyear and he was hanging upside down . . . yummy!
5.Getting continually harrased by Debby.
6.Making a list of movies that I have never seen.
7.Going to Barnes & Noble, Wendy's & Walmart with Kerri on Wednesday night . . . and it simply being enjoyable, relaxing and normal.
8.Talking to my brother for the first time since I left New York.
9.Eating an awesome turkey dinner at like 7pm.
10.Realizing that these have people really become family to me.

Thanksgiving was great . . . I even enjoyed the hard work/slave labor moments. Seriously though, I was very grateful to be a part that day with those people. I had a few nostaglic moments, where I was simply overwhelmed with how my life has changed and the direction it has taken on . . . but in the end all I could really think about were things to be very much grateful for . . .

After Thanksgiving, came the busiest shopping day of the year. And of course being in love with my job at Old Navy, I worked from 9am-6pm. The day went by fast and it was one of my more enjoyable work experiences. After work I came home and relaxed for a little bit. Riley helped me put lights on the Christmas tree in my room. Then I headed over to 64 King for a little bit. I did not stay long cause I needed to get some sleep before I had to be at work at 2am. So by the time I left 64 King, stopped at Old Navy, and tossed and turned (cause who wants to go to bed 9pm) I finally fell asleep by around 10:30pm. Work came quick and went just as quick. But I am grateful for having the rest of Saturday and then Sunday off.

In other news, my mom comes to visit this week. She will be coming in on Thursday. The four days she is here are quickly filling up with activities . . . I am very much looking forward to her visit.

I am in the midst of trying to process some thoughts which I hope to write fairly soon . . . I know this post was more of a life update than a thought update . . . but it will come.

Later.

Home

So I came back early from my visit to Pennsylvania, mostly because I missed home. Home and family have been such relative terms for me throughout my life . . . but the longer I am here in Columbus, the more they seem to be becoming clearly defined and feeling very real.

I spent Sunday morning at 64 King with Palmer, Amy, Blake, and the like preparing for Vespers. Then I returned home to bake some brownines and cookies (for Vespers) and simply relaxed around the house. Later in the afternoon the Stetler's arrived home from the weekend in Canton with Eric's parents . . . it was really good to see them. I even got to play a game with Riley (Buzz & Woody played too) before we headed off to Vespers.

Vespers was awesome . . . I love the people in my community to so much . . . it was cool simply to be around them.

Underground Seminary tonight was pretty sweet. An awesome meal at Katie's house, followed by a lecture on Celtic Christianity . . . the best part for me though was the liturgy . . . the sound of all the voices praying in unison . . .

Now I am off to write an email to process some of thoughts that I have been mulling over the last few days.

Clarification

Just as a further point of clarification . . . the Jacksons are amazing people who I love very dearly. And if it ever appeared that I cast a negative light on them or their role in my life, that was not my intention. The fault of the falling away of this relationship lies entirely with me and the scewed perception I allowed to form this relationship six years ago. With that said I still feel that I may very well be leaving that part of my life behind as I go forward on this journey . . . but I am not entirely sure how I think or feel about any of this.

I said all that to say . . . I'm sorry that it all played out this way, it was never my intention . . .

Central City

Here I am blogging from Central City, Pennsylvania . . .

I have not even been here for twenty hours and I want to leave . . . and I don't think it has all that much to do with all the negative anticipation I had coming here . . . it is simply about the desire to go home . . . to go where my life is now . . . to go where I belong.

It is good for the kids that I came . . . cause apparently they really missed me . . . Caleb refuses to stop hugging me and had me hold his hand the entire time we were at the mall last night. The conversation with John & Jen has been pretty civil . . . but mostly for my lack of input . . . I feel so ridiculous trying to explain to them what my life is about now . . . it just seems all to inadequate in their eyes.

Right now I am sitting in John's office at the church, they are having a "Turkey Bowl" at the church for the youth . . . playing some football and eating some turkey. As much as this was the entirety of my life for the last fifteen years . . . the more I am here, the more I walk around and step into the sanctuary and listen to the conversations, the more I know that this is no longer my life. I don't belong here anymore . . . is it okay to want to go home?

There is much more to say and I do promise to deliver once I am home . . . I have limited access to the internet here, so I am going to get busy processing some thoughts on my laptop and hopefully post them when I get back to Columbus tomorrow.

I am very much looking forward to Vespers tomorrow night . . .

Visit

Heading to the middle of nowhere PA for the weekend to visit some old friends . . . I am sure it will be a nice visit . . . I am just hoping I can keep my head on straight. This will be the first time that I have left Columbus since I arrived in the beginning of September. I know that might not seem noteworthy to anyone else . . . but it is to me. And I am not really sure how I feel about it all . . .

. . . I do know that I will be looking forward to coming home to Vespers on Sunday night.

Is it bad to look forward to a visit ending before it even begins?

Other things on my mind . . .

-Politics of Jesus
-"Family"
-My Co-Workers
-A Bunch of Crap


~Till Sunday . . .

Fraction

Tonight, I identify very much with Dan Fox . . . with the idea of feeling as though I were but a fraction of the person I once was and the person I am capable of being . . . especially spiritually. And it is not just that I feel it . . . I know it. For I know from whence I came . . . I know the person I am capable of being . . . I know the person I desire to be . . . I know.

For those who are in my life that care to encourage me on going about becoming this person that I desire to be . . . please do . . . I need all the help I can get.

I would like to close this entry with the words from a song we sang tonight at gathering . . . a song that absolutely penetrates me . . .

The Wonderful Cross
When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride

See from his head, his hands, his feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did ever such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown

O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless
Your name

Were the whole realm of nature mine
That were an offering far too small
Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all

Some Thoughts

The topic of former best friends has been prevelant around here for a few weeks . . . and I suppose that is what begun a very significant conversation I had last night. This is a conversation I have had with myself a thousand times. I am huge on the whole self-analyzation and can pretty much nail down a good reason for why I do what I do and such forth. But never did I actually think I that I would have this conversation with someone else. Sure I have shared bits and pieces before . . . whatever I found fitting to the situation . . . but to allow myself to go the core of the issue . . . the center of how I form and "maintain" relationships . . . was completely unnerving. I also realized that I do not express nearly enough (though I am not sure it would be beneficial to express any of it period) how much of an effort it is for me to live this life . . . to do my best to remain open and to communicate . . . and how hard I fight the desire to close up . . . to not be social . . . to not let people in. It has been the age old paradox of my life . . . I completely cower away from the thing I need most . . . even it is right in front of me.

And to top it off my friend Colyn called me last night . . . in the whole two years I have known her, I can literally count the number of times she has called me one hand . . . but last night she called me. She had previously promised she would not fall off the face the of planet . . . and she didn't . . . she actually called me. And it appears the dynamic of our relationship will be changing . . . and that sort of overwhelmed me. I love her dearly and she is one of my closest friends, someone who saw has been there for me during the most insane moments of the last two years. There is just so much there . . .

I had great difficulty going to sleep last night and I awoke this morning feeling simply overwhelmed by my thoughts and have no idea what to do or what makes sense. So much of my life, my perception of the world and people, has changed since I moved to Columbus . . . I just do not know how to make it all fit . . .

And as much as I want to walk away from it, pretend it does not exist, you know simply live my life around it . . . I can't . . . I refuse to allow myself to take steps backward, even though I desperatly want to right now . . . but to really talk this all through . . . to really deal with it . . . requires a level of vulnerabilty and of trust that I don't know if I can handle.


In much lighter news my friend Christa called me this morning while I was working. I had not heard from her in a couple of weeks and was looking forward to listening to her voice mail. So I listen to the message and she tells me she has some really good news to tell me. And I immediatly assume it has something to do with her being pregnant . . . so at the end of my shift I look up her store number (she is a GM at an Old Navy in PA) and call to get the phone number (using the store to store line) and she is the one who picks up the phone. And right after she said hello she asks me . . . . "Do you think you would or could do a baby dedication in nine months?" . . . and then the first real smile of the day came across my face . So my friend Christa (who when I first met her never wanted to get married or have kids) will be a mom in nine months . . . how sweet is that.

That is all for now . . . till later.

Picked up trash this morning . . . . I love Phil Storer.

" One of the great paradoxes of the mystical life is this: that a man cannot enter into the deepest center of himself and pass through that center into God, unless he is able to pass entirely out of himself and empty himself and give himself to other people in the purity of a selfless love." ~Thomas Merton

God, would you empty me tonight?

Renewing The Mind

So I have not been extremely vocal at the gatherings and thus have not really given any input on all of the things we have been talking about as we are going through Romans 12. In hopes to make up for my lack of being vocal I have tried to process my thoughts over the last fews with the plan of writing some of it out here. So please bear with me if it appears that I am not making any sense.

The Renewing of the Mind

In my background renewing of the mind was always closely related to spiritual formation. At the core of spiritual formation is the desire to become more and more like Christ . . . which I think is would also be the end of result of renewing the mind. So in knowing that the goal is to become more like Christ, the next thing is to figure out how to do that. As a community it is not only neccisary to see how we as individuals can make this happen . . . but how it can happen as we as community of people seek to follow Jesus and renew our minds together. For me personally it is has always been about awareness.
It is about being constantly aware of the way God is shaping us, molding our lives. And not only aware of the end result (the change) but of how we get there. Of the words He speaks into our lives, of the cirumstances we find ourselves in. Of our attitudes towards life and our reactions to situations. It is about being aware of the condition of our heart . . . about how receptive we are going to be if He was to actually speak to our hearts. Are we open to the moving and prodding of the Spirit in directing our lives . . . in forming us in the image of Christ? Or do other things occupy our minds and lives?
I think there are things we can do to increase our awareness, things that would allow us to be more senstive to the way God would like to move with in us and renew our minds. I think (and have found since moving to Columbus) there is tremendous value in liturgy. In mediating of scripture, on things that will direct our minds toward God . . . and I think there is great value in doing it together. I think it is a matter of being consistent, of recognizing that renewing one's mind is not a one time event, but a daily surrender . . . a daily commitment. I think it needs to be a part of the commitment we make to each other as a community . . . because we need to be encouraged . . . to be pushed and challenged . . . for demands to made on our faith and our actions. We simply need to do this together.



~There is more to say . . . but I am tired (as usual) . . . check back for more on renewing the mind and some other things we have been talking about lately.~

Tonight I find myself torn between who I was and who I am becoming . . . and in the end who it is I am to be.

My heart to God tonight :

I have been feeling a little lost lately. Most would say that it is because I am not headed in any particular direction and that my life lacks the structure that once molded and shaped my every move and thought. But I don’t think that is it. It is not a lost in which I find myself directionless or unsure of where to go. Maybe it could better be described by the phrase “I am at a loss . . .” . At a loss for words or at a loss for a desired emotion. God I am just so in need of You. My old vocabulary comes alive at the thought of using words like hungry, desperate, incomplete, desiring more, going deeper, going higher, being closer to You. It is true that I am finding myself more truly alive here in Columbus than I ever thought possible, but You are still the very source of my life, the driving passion, the sole thing that makes life worth living every day.

With so much of the way I think and the way I perceive my world changing I am desperately seeking for something to hold on to. Be that thing God . . . be the stability I so very much need in my life. I am not asking for the winds of change to pass . . . for I know they must come . . . I know that I am where I need to be . . . living the life You have asked me to live . . . I just need to feel that strong right hand of Yours lifting me up, to feel You standing beside as I walk forward. I need You to be my first thought of the day and my last thought as I fall asleep. I need You to invade my mind . . . capture my heart . . . let me be held captive by Your love . . . by the desire to simply be in Your presence. Capture my heart, be my focus . . . simply be my everything.

Morning was cold.
Work was brief.
Home was busy.
I feel lost.
I lack the words.
But need to speak.
I feel desperate.
I need more of Jesus.

Fight the feeling and fight it hard . . .

Closing & Opening

This morning I awoke (at 4:30am) to an email from a friend that I went to high school with. An email that just screamed to me it was time. The friendship was of great influence in my life for quite some time . . . probably right through my move to Columbus. Most would describe the friendship as a roller coaster, constantly going from high to low to high to even lower. Along the way many people told us it was ridiculous for us to be friends, that we were so different, we just kept hurting each other, it simply was not worth the grief we caused each other. But I would never let it go, I held on to it so tightly . . . I desperately thought that I needed that relationship in my life in order to be okay . . . to be able to survive. This last year has especially been a difficult one in the emotional rollercoaster that has been our friendship, but I was determined to see it through. Cause I did not want to fail her once again . . . I did not want to run away like I had done before.

But my determination to see it through has dimmed. But I feel that letting the distance grow between us right now is not a bad thing. It is not me copping out, bailing or walking away. Something just tells me it is time . . . this is a quote from the reply I sent to the email I recieved this morning . . .

"In retrospect though our friendship is coming into one of its calmer periods over the last few years, maybe it is time to let the time between conversations grow . . . out respect for who we are becoming."

Both of us have changed a great deal since high school . . . and my move to Columbus has changed me even more . . . even more than I expected. It just feels like I finally have a peace about letting this go . . . there is no negativity attached to it, no ill will or hard feelings. There is almost a sense of being free . . . as I know I truly no longer need her in my life, she is not what makes me okay . . . I can do that myself . . . with the support of my friends. Most of all I finally don't feel like a failure for wanting to walk away.

Being in Columbus has taught me volumes about relationships . . . mostly how scewed my perception of what they are supposed to look like is. But the people here are patient with me . . . they are helping me grow and stretching my relational comfort zone . . . and I appreciate that more than they know.

I never thought I would be okay with this happening . . . but I am actually glad for it . . . it seems my priorities have changed quite a bit from the good old days . . . and I would much rather focus on the things that are helping me grow and pushing forward, than those who are holding back.

And though it appears one very significant door from my past is closing . . . I have spent the last two months watching some of the most beautiful doors open.

So here is to the closing of some old doors and the opening of new ones . . .

Two months . . .

I have been here two months today . . . and there is so much to say . . . and I simply have not got the words tonight.
Suffice to say, I love my life & I love my community . . . and as the two month marker comes and goes, I am staying put.

Till later.

Changes

I know I have used that title before, but it is simply the best word for the job of describing my life lately. For so long the idea of change has been accompanied by negative feels, the dragging of feet and the occasional kicking and screaming . . . but the change I have discovered happening in my life this time around is quite different .

Instead of kicking and screaming, I have been pushing myself forward in the last few months. So much so that I have allowed myself to develop a new way of life, a new perspective. I have realized that just because something was one way for so long (so long in fact that it was the only way I knew it to be) does not mean that it is the only way it can be. And that has been one of the most "freeing" (that word just sounds so corny or super spiritual . . . but is the best word to describe what has happened) realizations of my life. It is thoughts like that and nights like tonight that make all the pushing worth it to me.

Saturday will be two months since I left NY . . . and after some reflection I can say that I feel very much settled . . . I truly feel like I am home . . . it would appear that I have found what is that I have been searching for the last two years . . . and I don't ever want to leave.

No work tomorrow . . . but I get the privilege of watching Riley & Trey tomorrow night while Eric & Kerri go the the rehearsal dinner for Mark & Amy's wedding . . . have I mentioned lately how much I love my life . . . every last insane and busy minute of it.

Till later.

Natural

So I know this is my third post today and it could possibly make me some sort of addict, but at least it is better than not posting at all. Plus, I really just had to say these few things before I go to bed.
Today was fabulous . . . start to finish . . . absolutely lovely. And the most wonderful part of all the fabulousness is that it felt natural. I have been thinking about that word all night and I just had to share it. And though it would be extremely entertaining to go through my day start to finish (cause there were some pretty fun moments, some firsts and well . . . ) I really just wanted to say my day was great. And I know the whole "natural" thing may seem simple or even silly to most, but it means more to me than you could possibly know or understand.
So thank you to all that were part of the last fourty eight hours of my life . . .

Silence

They won't see the fire you have lit inside of me.

They look up to the stars and wonder where you might be.

They look up without realizing they're

standing in the palm of your hand.

I can't explain or understand.

I just love you.



It's common knowledge that; you've been dead for a while.

It's well known that the cross is only

a burden with pains and trials.

But thinking how come my shoes are so light,

how come I can walk for miles?

And still, just love you?



So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,

cause I believe in silence.

Our hearts speak the same words.

So why don't we just walk along the

shoreline with our silent song?

Cause I believe in silence.

Our hearts speak the same words, the same words.



We have to prove that our love is real, over and over again.

But let them think what they want cause I know It'll never end.

Cause I know when it began.

And my heart still pumps twice as fast whenever you walk by.

Cause I still love you.



So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,

cause I believe in silence.

Our hearts speak the same words.

So why don't we just walk along the shoreline

with our silent song?

Cause I believe in silence.

Our hearts speak the same words, the same words.



~Silence by Blindside~

Ohio Reads

Today is a really cool day for me . . . I start my first day as an Ohio Reads Volunteer in Stevenson Elementary in Grandview . . . I will be working with mostly third graders and some second graders on their reading and cognitive skills. Needless to say that I am very excited.

Yesterday was a cool day as well. Work went by fast (it helped that I was in an extremely good mood). I spent the afternoon gathering supplies to create a birthday present for a friend of mine in NY. Then I got to go to gathering. I was really tired and considered not going . . . but am extremely happy that I did. As we sat there singing "We Exalt Thee" . . . I knew there was no where else I would have rather been . . . I really love these people.

I will be sure to post after my fun morning . . .

Longing

"The soul must long for God in order to be set aflame by God’s love; but if the soul cannot yet feel this longing, then it must long for the longing. To long for the longing is also from God."