There are no words . . . at least not good ones or right ones.

Despair can be a ugly place . . . but it can also be a beginning . . . at least I hope it can.

There are no words . . . but there is love.

For the record :

I still know all the lyrics to the Newsboys album "Take Me To Your Leader".

I shared some yummy appetizers with the likes of Amy, Kristina, Fez, Kyle, Rachel and the infamous Pat.

I beat Rachel 10-6 in crazy little paper and pen games at Skully's tonight.

The new sound of Sheldon Marsh is pretty darn cool and I must say, I like it alot.

You can fit eight grown adults in a four door Honda Civic.

Nights like tonight are great reminders of why I love my life here in Columbus, Ohio . . . these people are simply amazing.

And yes it is 2:15am and I, Jen Leonard am still awake.

Goodnight . . .

Sitting outside at Stauf's.

Talking about life, the good, the bad, and the painful.

Not really rambling.

Yummy chocolate ice cream in a tasty homemade waffle cone.

A peaceful walk home through the beautiful streets of Grandview.

Sharing my favorite movie with one of my favorite people.

Being reminded of why I am glad that God landed me in here Columbus.

Simple and to the point . . . this evening was exactly what I needed.

Thank you Kristina.

Peace.

Somethings really do change.

Tonight has been amazing.

More to come . . . but I just had to update on the turn around.

Somethings really never change, do they?

I am sitting here alone in my apartment, wondering why I am not somewhere else, somewhere with someone else.

I am coward . . . and I am afraid that will never change.

I used to be okay with that . . . now it unsettles me and I think that makes it worse.

I wish I would just pick up the phone or walk across the street . . . I wish I would just act and not wallow.

But I don't.

Today will be over soon and I will begin tomorrow and maybe it will better.

Or maybe not.

Maybe I will just remember that it is not about me . . . and that will make everything okay.

Last night, I was probably the most vulnerable I have ever been here in Columbus.

And I survived it.

Last night and yesterday as a whole and the last few weeks for that matter, have been spent in very good company.

Change is happening.

Life is real.

I have been reading N.T. Wright's new book "Simply Christian" . . . and have been thoroughly enjoying it. Part of me wishes I could quote the whole book or at least large sections of it . . . but for now I will just share with you some of the things I read today . . .

"If it is the case that Israel's vocation was to be the people through whom the one God would rescue his beloved creation; if it is the case that Jesus believed himself, as God's Messiah, to be bearing Israel's vocation in himself; and if it really is true that in going to his death he took upon himself, and in some sense exhausted, the full weight of the world's evil - then clearly there is indeed a task waiting to be done. The music he wrote must now be performed. The early disciples saw this, and got on with it. When Jesus emerged from the tomb, justice, spirituality, relationship, and beauty rose with him. Something has happened in and through Jesus as a result of which the world is a different place, a place where heaven and earth have been joined forever. God's future has arrived in the present. "

". . . the resurrection of Jesus doesn't leave us as passive, helpless spectators. We find ourselves lifted up, set on our feet, given new breath in our lungs, and commissioned to go and make a new creation happen in the world."

The kindgom come . . .

This is only the beginning.

Last year around this time we were reading through "Jesus & Community" by Gerhard Lohfink in Underground Seminary.

I sent Palmer an email, asking him the question below :

"For him the kingdom is not merely very near, but already arriving. Anyone able to interpret Jesus' mighty works knows that the kingdom is already making its presence felt" -pg.15

If the kingdom is already here, and manifested itself in the life of Jesus and then through the disciples, then where did it go? Why, two thousand years later, do we seem so far from what we started out as?

His response :

This is the question we all want an answer to, especially right now, isn't it? Let me begin by saying this; Jesus is plain that the Kingdom is come. Paul's entire gospel is built around the fact that the Kingdom has come. So, whatever our experience is today, that content of Jesus' and Paul's message is undeniable...the Kingdom has come.
That being said, if we don't experience the reality of the Kingdom come today, I think we have a serious problem. But it is not the Kingdom's problem, or the Triune God's problem, it is OUR problem. There are a million answers to why we have drifted so far, all of them with some validity. You know a lot of them inherently; I don't need to tell you what they are. We've talked about this before.

Here's what we do...we pray "Your Kingdom come, Your will be done." with a recklessness that we have never had before. We pray it with all of the hope we can summon, and then a little bit more. Now is not a time for practicality, it is not a time for sensibility. It is a time for recklessness and hopefulness and dreaming. I am slowly seeing the Kingdom come in my life. I think we are slowly seeing it come in the life of the LP. But all of us have a responsibility to seek it, to look for it, to fight for it. And in our seeking, we will find. In our looking, we will see. In our fighting, we will win.

I am tired . . . really tired.

I am fighting the desire to run/hide/isolate . . . and that is hard.

I am feeling slightly overwhelmed and confused.

I want to erase March 27th 2006 from the history books . . . I don't want that day to have ever happened.

I don't want to face change or move forward . . . I don't want things to be different.

But it seems I am pretty powerless over life these days . . . so I am simply forced to let it happen.

I have waited for the "daily grind" to begin again . . . hoping it would some how make it hurt less.

But it doesn't.

My mind will probably spend the day reliving last Monday . . . moment by moment.

Recalling what I was thinking and feeling as each minute and hour passed.

Knowing that it is done . . . it cannot be changed . . . time can not be turned back.

Searching for healing and for peace . . . trying to dwell on this idea of HOPE.

It is a new day . . .

The birds are singing loudly . . . though it is barely morning.

We are not alone . . .

Your kindgom come . . . Your will be done.