Beginnings of Home

Had dinner with the Bells and Blinn tonight . . . don't think I could have enjoyed finer company anywhere else this evening.

This is seemingly hard to admit to me, but I think I now prefer the company of people better than being by myself. When I lived in NY, I worked during the day and went home and chilled in the evening watching TV by myself. Though I interacted with people during the day at work, church and youth group, I essentially lived my life alone. And I was completely cool with that.

Since moving to Ohio that has all changed . . . I am finding (and defining) my home in a community of people and not a room in house with a television . . .

I have been here for almost a month . . . and I am wondering if it is okay for this to feel like home . . .

HUGE

In the life of Jen Leonard, today, September 28th 2004 will go down in history as the day I first tasted an American staple, known to this great world as ketchup. Yes, that is right, I tried some good old fashioned McDonalds's ketchup with my yummy french fries. Granted this is just one more thing added to the list of new experiences for Jen Leonard. Other food items included in the list of the tastes to touch my palette :

-Chili (red and some white chicken chili)
-Vegetarian Lasanga Wraps (with spinach, I indeed had spinach)
-Salad (with yummy tomatos)
-Vegetarian Sushi (yuck)

I am sure there is more, I am just having some trouble remembering at the moment (sometimes the last three weeks feel like a complete blur).

As huge as the whole ketchup thing was (for the record I found it to be a little too sweet for my liking) . . . there are some other huge things going on in my life. Having now lived in Columbus for three weeks, I am finally starting to end my days on postive notes, instead of going to bed with thoughts of doubt and completely insecurity about where I am and where I am going with my life.

There is much more to be said about the HUGE things that have been happening in my life, but it is late, and I am tired, and I am sure I will be able to say them better in the morning.

However in conclusion I would like to say that tonight was a sweet and gentle reminder of why I am here . . . of why I packed up my whole life and moved eight hours from NY to Columbus.

Peace.


~Maybe there is not so much a reason to hide anymore . . . maybe I do not need the escape that I have been longing for . . . maybe, just maybe I can finally feel like . . . ~

Priceless

For those who read the originial post from this date, I apologize for the change. But I decided that the down and dreary nature of the post did not really reflect the beauty of what was yesterday and what has been the last almost three weeks of my life.

To me yesterday was priceless . . . it was simple . . . but yet one of the best days I have had in a really long time.

I woke up and met Doug Wharton who I had heard a great deal about . . . and that was cool . . . except for the part when he told me to stop cleaning the microwave . . . oh well. After Doug left, I had the privilege of going to lunch at Old Bag of Nails with the Eric, Riley & Trey. Lunch was followed by a nice walk to DQ for some dessert, I must say that it was the perfect day for walking. After ice cream and a quick stop by Starbucks we headed to the park. The park just might have been my favorite part of the journey, for I am hard pressed to find something that beats the joy of racing down the slide with Riley. When our playtime at the park was through we walked home to await the return of Kerri from her trip to Pittsburgh. The boys were extremely happy to see her when she arrived.

Then came Vespers . . . I enjoyed them . . . I enjoyed the idea behind them . . . I enjoyed the company I got to share after them. The contemplative nature of the Vespers had me thinking quite a bit last night . . . which partly lead to the glib demeanor of what was previously this entry. So though mentally last night did not end on the most postive note . . . I always seem to make it to morning.

I really do always seem to make it through till morning . . . and each morning, no matter how hard the evening before has been, I still find myself willing and able to live this life another day. Being here is sometimes more hard than easy as it is turing into one my life's greatest ironies. But that will be another story for another time.

So in short, yesterday was priceless to me, the last three weeks of my life . . . well they just might fall in the category of priceless as well.

Peace.

Thursday

So it is Thursday, and a wonderful Thursday at that. I am some strange sort of happy, like I seem to be walking around with this constant smile on my face . . . I am sure it will pass.

In the course of the afternoon, I sat here and read through some blogs and I began to think about hunger. Growing up hunger (in relation to God & Spirituality) always dealt with passion and fire, and an intense desire. So I pulled out some of my old journals (before the blogging age) and reread the words of some crazy teenager who wanted nothing more than to make God her entire life and seek Him for the rest of her life. A teenager who wrote of deep hunger and passion for the things of God, for spending time in the presence of God, in thought, meditation and prayer. A teenager desperate for some self-discipline and guidence, for any aid she could find in this journey of knowing God.

However since the summer before my freshman year in college, my relationship with God has been in a season of intellect. Things are not so much emotionally based as they are based on a serious and deep pursuit for truth and knowledge. With the shifting of my religious paradigm in the last two years settling a bit with my arrival in Ohio (though there is still so much to be learned, so much to attempt to understand and work through) I am finding myself desiring to rekindle the passion and fervor that used to be everpresent in my pursuit of God.

For a long time all the questioning I was doing made me feel far away from God, like I was some sort of horrible Christian for asking the questions that I did. I was so completely guilt ridden because I could not force myself back into the Christian bubble that I was raised in. But that is all in the past I suppose. For I no longer view my questioning as a sign of an unhealthy relationship with God, actually it is pretty much the opposite. Questioning, learning and growing, is not neccisarily the easiest path to take when approaching ones relationship with God, but I have to know that it is worth it . . . that I do what I do for a reason, and that reason is the same as it was four years ago when I was this on-fire for God teen in high school . . . all I really want from my life is to know God to the best of my ability (understanding) . . . to love God and live for God with the entirety of my life.

That's all for now.

I'm done.

Absolutely Fabulous

Today was simply a really cool day. I got to check out Beth Messiah ( a Messianic Jewish Congregation) with Amy and Mark . . . which was neat . . . I am really glad I had the opportunity to do that. Then I braved the opening day at Trader Joe's in Easton for some of the best bread I have ever had. But what made the bread even better was the amazing chili that I had with it during half-time of the OSU football game (Go Bucks!). The game was cool, as was meeting Eric's parents. I rounded out my fun day with some N.T. Wright on the Authority of Scripture and some reading for Underground Seminary. All together it was an absolutely fabulous day.

There will be no waking up early for church tomorrow . . . what an insane idea . . .

Till later.

My Day

So my day was pretty interesting. I had my orientation at Old Navy . . . which was basically nothing new, considering that I have worked with the company for over three years. I don't officially start till after the 26th. Starting a job in the retail world made me think about the holidays and where and when I will go home. Though the holidays while I was in Rhode Island were hectic because of the time I could take off from work , I was only a three hour drive from home and could make everything work. Now I am an eight hour drive and am already feeling anxious about what will happen come Thanksgiving and Christmas. Though I would love to go home and see my family, I am worried that I will not be able to get the time off. So I have my mother already thinking of alternative plans for coming home . . . maybe the holidays were be a little nontraditional this year and not so close to the dates. Anyway, I know it is slightly silly to be worrying about the end of November in the middle of September . . . but I figured if I vented it now, I would not really think about it all that much. I guess I am more concerned about my family and how they might react if I was not home, then I am concerned about myself. Who knows?

I have had lots of thinking time ( almost enough to drive me stirr crazy) but I like the conclusions that I am coming too.

Peace.

I am watching as my blacks and whites slowly fade into a beautiful shade of gray.

Satisfy my longing . . . but never let it subside.

why do i keep telling myself things that aren't true?

Reminders

Here are somethings that I was reminded of today ( in the course of a nice conversation with Kerri)

1. I am not alone in this.
2. I have only been here a week (though it feels like so much longer) . . . and I just need to give myself sometime to settle.
3. Trust and vulnerability aren't all that bad after all.
4. Nobody is completely okay.
5. There really is no going back to where I was (no matter how comfortable or safe it may appear)
6. The Stetler's are really really cool.

~Looking forward to the gathering tonight . . . I am really glad I am here.~

So lets talk about the last few days. The big news is that I got a job. It is back into the retail world for me. I will be starting my fabulous part time job at Old Navy on Friday. The whole getting a job thing was definetly a highlight of the last forty-eight hours. It is one less thing to be overwhelmed with or over think about.

I also got the privilege of checking out Underground Seminary last night. The study was on Paul & Politics. Definetly learned about a lot of things that I had never even given thought to before. And there is most definetly a lot more thinking and studying to be done.

As for an update on my losing battle, it is still definetly a heated fight. There are some moments when I am doing really well and others where I contemplate the idea of leaving. Not that leaving would do me any good, cause all leaving would be mean is that I ran away from the things that I could not deal with, and the feelings I just did not want to feel.

I am scared of being vulnerable, scared of opening up, scared I won't have much to say . . . or much to say that makes any sense.

This all just feels really hard . . .

Commitment

Just read a really cool article entitled Decisiveness (Thanks Eric). The following quote from the article describes a lot of what I was feeling in coming to Columbus :

"Sometimes you have to make decisions without knowing quite why or understanding what you’re doing. I definitely don’t understand all of the reasons why I’ve decided to do this, but then again none of us really understands much of what we are doing. I’ve got to trust in God more. I think he’s trying to tell me something right now, and I hope I can listen to it."

For the last two years I have been floating around my life desperatly wanting to be committed to something. Because I know if I commit myself I will be less inclined to run away. I need to plant roots, invest deeply in the community that I am becoming a part of. I need to be less transient, less able to just throw my life in my car and drive away when I get to scared or when things just get too hard. But I feel as though I need help making this commitment . . . like I need someone to hold me accountable that this is what I said I am doing and that I cannot run away.

The idea of commiting myself to life here in Columbus has been running through my head a lot the last few days (it fits right in there with people asking me how long I plan on staying), especially with all the time I have been blessed to spend with the Stetler's.

I think I have had some better answers to the questions that I have been answering with "I don't knows", I just have been too darn scared to admit them or speak them out loud. I also think if I could deal with my fear(s) that I could get around to being the real, self-confident Jen Leonard . . . and the whole adjusting to Columbus process would go much smoother.

I think there is a lot more to say on the idea of commitment . . . but I am not sure how to say it.

Losing Battle . . .

Everyday it feels like I am fighting a losing battle inside my head . . . I am sure I have been given a thousand chances a day to speak my mind . . . and I don't .

My wise friend Glenn told me this last night . . .

"but i think, that anywhere... idk.. for me.. it feels like you can trust them.. if that makes anysense at all.. lol.. i dont realy kno how i can say that, since i neither kno them or much about them... but like to be on this road, the few people you can meet that will understand where you are, because they have been there themselves, you gotta hold onto that, and realize, that in opening yourself, they open themselves, and in that, they can help you more, because they know you better, and will better know the words that will help you grow further.. because it seems like this is what ohio is all about... growing as much as you can, regardless of the cost."

But it seems I am just so scared and cannot find the motivation or the purpose of opening up, except to ease the pain a little. I really thought I got past the idea of wanting to feel safe, but in these moments when I want to fall apart and not have to have a clear reason . . . well that is when I miss safety.

I am sure there a few reasons I can identify for wanting to fall apart . . . but I guess they just don't seem good enough to share.

And though I very much agree with Glenn . . . I am really scared . . . God I need your peace tonight.

I really think I am going to be okay.

If I only knew what happened next . . .

maybe i would not be so scared
maybe i would not be so overwhelmed
maybe i would not feel so out of place
maybe i would be able to let myself experience the life i am now in
maybe i would be able to get to know these amazing people i have met
maybe i would not feeling like running away
maybe i would feel okay

. . . but I don't get to know what happens next.

So in the end I just have to keep trying, keep waking up, keep doing my best to be real and present, keep making myself grounded (so I don't take off running) and figure out what to do now that I am here in Columbus.

Processing . . .

So I am not sure how well I am processing this whole living in Ohio thing. The things that being here is forcing me to deal with really suck and I struggle with feeling like absolute junk on a daily basis because of that. I have to expend all the effort I have just to keep myself upbeat and optimistic about why I am here and to assure that I don't drown in the fear of the "What if's" and all the unknowns. I have been uncharacteristically silent in most of my interactions with people in the last few days as I find myself struggling with all that it is I am feeling and thinking and how desperate I am to express it, but yet hold it in due to fear of vulnerability. The ever present irony of my life is that I have exactly what I need in front of me, but I am too scared to take hold of it or open myself up to it. I am finding myself surrounded by some of the most true, genuine and kind people I have ever met in my entire life and yet I remain silent.

And though I am constanly reassuring myself that I am okay, and that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, I just really feel the desire to break and fall apart. It is as if that I need to let myself become completely broken before anything new can be built. And the idea of being broken, has just recently been related to my mind as losing complete control. The idea of giving up control is extremely dangerous to me. As control is something I value highly. This is because there were so many not so nice things that happened in my life and affected my life that I could not control, thus leading me to place great care and importance on the things that I can contol. So the idea that I need to relinquish complete contol of all that is happening is very frightening to me, being where I am, both in location and mindset is also very frightening to me.

There are many more thoughts running through my head at this late hour, but I really need to get some sleep. You can be assured that the processing will continue as soon as I am able.

To all the amazing LP people I have met again in this last week . . . thank you for kindness and genuiness . . . I truly feel welcomed here in Columbus.

Here

So I am here in Columbus. I got here on Tuesday morning. And despite my family's hope that I will be home in two weeks, I don't think I am going anywhere for awhile.

Here is the basic rundown of the last few days. I left NY on Monday and went to stay at my friend Christa's home in PA (which is half way between NY and Columbus). I had a really awesome time visiting and was glad for the opportunity to spend time with her and her husband. On Tuesday I left the middle of no where PA at 6:45am and drove four hours, arriving in Columbus around 11:00am. Stetler was not home(turns out he was at 64 King) , so I called Palmer, and headed over to 64 King. From which we went to lunch (Palmer, Phil, Stetler, Amy, Micah and Myself) at a wonderful Chinese place. Then they all came to Grandview to help me unpack, I think I only carried down like two boxes out of all the stuff that was jammed into my car. I spent the rest of the afternoon unpacking and then came church. Church was great, it was a cool experience, minus my first ever tasting of wine. Wednesday was a very laid back day, I played play doh and bouncy ball with Riley most of the day and that was nice. Very much needed. The day ended with dinner with the Stetler's and Palmer and Amy and some good conversation . . . . I was really glad I got to be a part of it. This morning began with morning prayers, some Politics of Jesus and my first tasting of tea.

Which brings me to now. I am sitting here in Stauf's, a cool coffee house in Grandview, trying to get some real thoughts together on everything that I have experienced in the last few days. Overall I have felt nothing but such tremendous hospitality from the people I have met. A lot of which I am not sure how to fathom or attempt to understand. There are moments when I get a little nervous about finding a job or where I go from here or figuring out what it is that I am doing here . . . but I keep coming back to this is where I know I am supposed to be . . . this is very much where I want to be. As I left Old Navy today (I filled out applications at Target and Old Navy and I have a Starbucks one at home. . . but have not felt encouraged about filling that one out) and walked to my car, I thought about how I could really do this . . . really allow myself to develop a life here.

Being here does not feel like I thought it would. And that is not good or bad. It is just different. The first day I kept thinking I was going to wake up and be back in NY in my room watching TV and getting ready for work at my uncle's office. I suppose some moments I cannot fathom how it is possible that I just picked up my life and moved to Ohio. Sometimes it is hard because I am thinking and feeling so much and yet have no idea or how to express it or to who. I have gotten a little overwhelmed, I have gotten a little scared, and I have been surprised by the amazing kindness of the people I have met.

Some people have asked me what my plans are, others have asked how long I plan on staying in Columbus and for the most part I have responded with "I don't know". But here is what I do know. I know that I am happy I am here and that the people I have met, the people that are now part of my life are absolutely amazing and I know I want to stay here as long as it is where God wants me.

So in the course of the last three months my life took on a different direction that I had ever thought possible. And this direction has brought me to Columbus, Ohio . . .

~There is more to say but my battery is about to die so it will have to wait till another time. ~

Till Later.

Packing

So I did some serious packing tonight and got a litte overwhelmed. I have packed my life up like this before, but always left a room behind. Like when I went to college, I still had my bedroom at home, and when I moved to Rhode Island for a little bit last summer, I still had my room at my grandmothers. But now is different. If I do not want to take it with me (which is a tough choice, cause my little Nissan can only fit so much) then it has to get boxed and stored in the garage. It is like this will no longer be my home. This town, this life, it is moving from my present to my history. And that just feels like something big to me. It is something I did not expect to feel.

There is a lot more to this going on in my head, but I need to get some sleep. I have a long few days ahead of me.



~God, please keep stirring within my soul~