"His Last Chance"

It was September 2002, I was eighteen years old and attending my first semester of college at Zion Bible Institute in Rhode Island. That summer before I left for school my father was arrested for violating is probation associated with his arrests for drunk driving over the years. I am not sure I will ever forget that July night, when the Orange County Sheriff showed up at my house at 11:00pm, my dad was drunk and dead asleep and was taken off to county jail, completely unaware of what was happening to him.

By September my dad was in his second or third month at a rehabilitation facility in Saranac Lake, New York. Towards the end of the program they had a family session, also known as an intervention. My mom was going, and my brother and I had the choice to write letters or take the trip up there. At first I decided that I was not going to go and set out to write my father a letter. Taking the trip up there would have been too much driving (over nine hours) and my school had a strict possibly about leaving campus over night and missing classes, so I was not even sure I would be allowed to go. My mom thought it would be good for me to go and even though I was not so sure about that I went to see the Dean of Students to ask permission to take the time off from school and go. The talk turned out to be pretty emotional and by the end of it all, it was decided that I should go and see what would happen.

The time there consisted of a variety of activities, from educating family members on the disease of alcoholism to confronting the alcoholics on how their behavior had affected the lives around them. At one point we had to sit in this large circle, sitting face to face with our alcoholic family member and tell them things they did to us and how those things made us feel. My mom spoke to my dad, then she read the letter my brother had sent and then it was my turn. Without going into the details it got pretty emotional for me, more than I expected. But it was what happened after that, that I have not been able to get out of my mind for the last few days, especially this morning.

The last part of the session, the last thing we did before we left, was sitting down with the alcoholic and a counselor and discuss an action plan. We knew he would be in an outpatient program and all, but we also discussed what he would need to do to make it work. Now my mother did not ask for much, she never really has. My mom is an amazing woman, who has had to deal with more crap from my father (and his alcoholism) than anyone should have to deal with. She has been so strong for my brother and I, and I love her so much. What I remember so clearly about this meeting was my mom telling my dad that this was his last chance, she had stood by him for over twenty five years; twenty five years filled with drunken stupors, affairs, arrests, raising two kids on her own and a lot of hurt and pain. So this was going to be it . . . his last chance. And he said he could do it . . . and for the last two and a half years he has.

About a year later my mom sold her house and moved up to Syracuse where my dad had been placed in an outpatient program. She gave up everything for his man, which is more than I probably would have done. Last year they bought a house, he got a new job and life was going really well. Now I have never really concerned myself with my parents relationship, it was mostly non-existent during my childhood and towards the end of high school we all just co-existed in the same house together. When I left for college, I resolved that my parent’s relationship was their own, and though I was not the biggest fan of my dad or his actions, that it was not my problem to fix. And though that should still be the case now, I have developed a rather strong opinion about their current situation.

In reading my mom’s blog and talking with her over the last few weeks it is obvious that my dad is not making the best choices. And though my mom talks about how she is different this time around, and is learning to react differently to it, I don’t think she should have to react at all.

So all I have been thinking about the last day or so is how this was supposed to be my dad’s last chance . . .and I just don’t know. I don’t know how the concept of “chances” works within the kingdom . . . I don’t know how I am supposed to feel or react. Should my father have to face the consequences of his actions? I don’t know. I do know that I am tired of my mom being hurt by his choices . . .

He should of tried harder . . . .he should of really changed . . . he should not have picked up a drink again . . . Period.

Chicago & Community

Chicago was amazing . . . I don't know what else to say. I am sure another post will be written soon about this fabulous weekend, however for now, I just wanted to post the written word I shared at Vespers tonight. I love my community . . . they really are the love of God present in my life.

God’s love is a mystery. It is spoken of in scripture as unfathomable, too wide and deep for us to understand. In Sunday School and Sunday Sermons, I was taught all about the richness of the love of God. About a creator God who made a covenant with His people, about a man named Jesus, the Son of God, who died on the cross for the sins of the world, the sins of His people. I was taught that His love was all I ever would need. That His love would change my life. It all seemed very cut and dry to me. God loved me so much and unconditionally that He sent His only Son to die for me. And that was the ultimate definition of love. But it does not seem all that simple to me anymore. Not so cut and dry. God’s love has become this unfathomable mystery to me.

But as of late this mystery has been being revealed to me in the beauty of community. A covenant love expressed in togetherness. In the last year of life I have experienced the love God expressed . . .

In the beauty of community.
In following Jesus together in this life.
In the acceptance of who we are as individuals.
In the encouragement to be who we are in the body.
In the freedom to broken . . . to be vulnerable . . . to simply be.
In the knowledge that we create a safe place for each other.
In the faith found in the hopelessness.
In the perseverance in the midst of doubt and confusion and hurt.
In the prayers we offer on each others behalf.
In the laying of hands and the faith behind it.
In the breaking of bread and passing of the cup.
In the shared meals and laughter.
In simply being present with each other.
In the building of a history together.
In the conversations and discussions that move us forward.
In the moments where truth is spoken.
In the family that has been formed by the blood.

Community has become one of God’s greatest expressions of His love to me. God’s love is present to me in the midst of my life because His community is present to me. God’s love is present and real to us, because we are real and present to each other.

A covenant love expressed in togetherness.

So after one of the busiest and more tiring weeks I have had in awhile, I get to leave town. I am off to Chicago for Mike & Lianne's wedding. It should be prove to be a very lovely weekend. I get to spend the next 72 hours with good friends making good memories. It shall be a wonderful experience and I am really looking forward to it.

Peace to you and yours this weekend . . .

And I'm off . . .

Unhealthy Choices

A conversation that took place this morning as I ate my cinnamon bun pop-tart.

Riley : Why are you eating an unhealthy choice Jen?

Jen : Because I am hungry.

Riley : You shouldn’t eat unhealthy choices.

Jen : Why not?

Riley : Because they make you fat.

Jen : Who told you that?

Riley : Daddy.

In the last three years I have lived in three different states. After graduating from Pine Bush High School (in good old Orange County, New York) in 2002, I headed off to Barrington, Rhode Island for a year at Zion Bible Institute. In August 2003 I moved back to NY and spent a year working at Calvary Assembly of God in Monroe, NY. Then in September of 2004, I packed my life into my little Nissan and moved here to Columbus, Ohio.

As crazy as this might sound my time in Columbus is longest I have spent anywhere in the last three years. And my record of time spent here is only going to get longer, as I have no plans of leaving anytime soon.

And I think that is really cool.

In other news today was a pretty good day. I had a descent day at work, my housemates came back early from vacation (which is a bummer for them . . . but I was excited), and I got to take a nice walk with my friend Heather (and her new roomates dog Kelly).

Tomorrow and the coming season of Fall are looking very promising . . . I like that . . . I like that a lot.

So with the Stetler's away , I have had quite a bit of quiet time to myself. This afternoon has been one those especially quiet times. I worked a brief six hour day (compared to the ten hour days that I have been doing), came back home and took a nice two hour nap, than headed over to 64 King and read for a little bit, and now have returned home for a relaxing evening of reading and television. Though the quiet has been nice, I am very much looking forward to there being life back in this house again, only five or six more days till the fabulous Stetler's return.

I am currently reading "The New Testament and the People of God" by N.T. Wright. I successfully made it through the first section, which was about 150 pages of pure boredom. There were some interesting things to be learned every few pages or so (I did especially enjoy the discussion of worldviews and perspectives), but as a whole it was a slightly difficult read. Now I am on to the second section where I will be getting into some of the historical background information, I am quite excited to continue reading.

I just got off the phone with my friend Colyn. She currently lives out in Colorado, but I met her during my time in Rhode Island. She was one of my managers at Old Navy, some would say she was part of the corrupting force that has helped transform me from the person I was when I started bible college, to the person I am today. Though I am not all that sure of her corrupting powers, I am sure that she is amazing friend, who I miss dearly. In our conversation this afternoon it was mentioned how the person she met three years ago would have never done what I have done with my life in the last year. And I know she is right. It was yet another reminder of the changes that have been taking place in my life over the past few years, changes that I have not always welcomed, but have never regretted in the end.

Life is good. My journey thus far has been good. May goodness continue.

Peace.

Mutual Respect

I read the following commentary on Romans 12 by N.T. Wright in The New Interpreters Bible. I found it thought provoking and felt like sharing it.

"The unity of the church, highlighted in 12:3-8 (Romans) remains a goal to be worked for despite the apparent failure of many unity schemes of the period between 1960-2000. Here Paul stresses the need for humility and mutual respect between different gifts within a Christian community; when everyone is doing what they are called to do to the utmost of their powers, the whole body is in good health. The ecumenical task may consist not least in the humble recognition, between different denominations, that we may after all have different callings - overlapping, interlocking, most likely, but perhaps different as well. This is not to mnimize doctrinal differences, which still matter; nor is it to connive scandalous fragmentation of the body of Christ, or the "one body in Christ" as here. It is to suggest that within the greater unity for which we much work we should be prepared to allow room for the particular tasks, characteristics, and genius of the different "churches" that have grown up over the years, particularly since the Reformation. The ecumenical movements of the twentieth century had a dangerously modernist feel (bringing everything together into one grand and possibly grandiose structure); maybe the ecumenical movements of the twenty-first century, though they must avoid the postmodern trap of easygoing acceptance of all differences, which results in further fragmentation, should work at ways of humbly affirming differences while learning how to celebrate and share all we hold in common."

It has been a nice relaxing Saturday here in Grandview. I had breakfast with Blinn and Craig over some spiritual disciplines and then spent the rest of the day hanging out around the house. I read some N.T. Wright, watched some good movies and talked on the phone a bit. I suppose I will head off to bed soon and hopefully awake rested in the morning. Not sure what I will be doing tomorrow, I actually have nothing planned for the entire today. Maybe I will go to Stauf's or some other random coffee shop and read some more. I really enjoy reading . . . I have been doing it quite often lately and have been learning about some pretty interesting stuff.

So I've been here (in the fine state of Ohio) for over a year now and life just keeps moving forward. I would say in retrospect moving here was a pretty good decision. I like the person this year has allowed me to become and I really do love the people that are a part of my life. All in all I am not sure I could ask for anything more from life right now.

Well I don't know about that . . .

Some important things to note today, September 7th 2005 . . .

~HAPPY BIRTHDAY KERRI! I hope you have an amazing birthday and enjoy your time at the beach with your family. I cannot wait till you guys come back home.~

~Today marks one year since I moved from NY to Columbus. There is much to say about the journey of this last year, but all I have time to say now is that is has been an amazing year and I am looking forward to the next year spent here in Columbus.~

More thoughts to come later . . .

So my beloved housemates left yesterday for vacation, not to return for two whole weeks. They will certainly be missed.

My mom came in last night to spend the weekend with me here in Columbus. The visit has been going great so far. Today we spent the morning and early afternoon at the Columbus Zoo. My favorite part of the zoo would probably have to be the monkey's. I definetly could have spent the whole day watching them.

It is definetly cool to have my mom here . . . I look forward to spending the rest of this Labor Day weekend with her.

Four more days until it has been one year.

Oh the change and transformation.