Silver & Gold

I came upon this passage on my plane ride on Wednesday . . . and I am not sure I can begin to describe the thought process it began inside my head . . .

So the emergence of the cross signifies what we today would call a "paradigm shift" in the human understanding of the person and work of Christ; that is, the basic structure of the redemption relationship between us and God came to be pictured in a way radically different from its previous New Testament conception. The cross act was first narrowly interpreted as mere vicarious suffering and then mistaken for the whole redemptive action of God. Christ's life and teaching were therefore nonessential to the work of redemption and were regarded as just poignant decorations for his cross, since his only saving function was conceived to be that of a blood sacrifice to purchase our forgiveness.
The effect of this is shift is incalculably vast and profound for the history of the church and for the realities of the Christian's walk. They are well-illustrated in a story - probably apocryphal - that is told about one of the great thinkers of the Roman Catholic church, St. Thomas Aquinas. The story goes that, while walking amid the splendors of Rome, a friend said to St. Thomas, "We Christians certainly no longer have to say to the world, 'Silver and gold have we none.'" To this St. Thomas replied : "But neither can we say to the lame man, 'In the name of Jesus of Nazareth rise up and walk'". As the shift settled in, the power diminished, just as St. Thomas Aquinas saw it. The church of his time could profess to dispense forgiveness but could not command a healing life force.

-The Spirit of the Disciplines by Dallas Willard (pg.36)

So here it is 11:30 pm on a Monday night and I am still awake. I know this is very shocking, but there just seems to be so much to do and so much on my mind that I have managed to not go to sleep yet.

Had a really good conversation with Stetler about prayer tonight . . . the thoughts that were shared in the conversation have left an impression, one that I hope to work through in the coming days. I am not sure how to phrase it or how to do justice to what we talked about, but this is a brief attempt (Stetler feel free to correct me and tweak my way too small of a statement) . . .

It is not about praying for a specific means to an end . . . it not simply about something turning out one way or another . . . because in the end God is going to do His will, whatever that may be. It is about seeking God and the ability to discern His will, and with that the ability to live it out.

And as much as that statement is the best I can do at the moment, I don't think it does nearly enough justice to what we talked about. There is so much more than that . . . so much more than I don't know how to put into words . . . but tonight's conversation really helped my perspective on prayer . . . thanks for talking with me, Stetler.

I leave for NY in a less than 36 hours . . . and as much as I am looking forward to the time I will get to spend with my family and friends there, these last fews days have been filled with the most beautiful reminders of how much I love my life here, how much I love these people . . . my spiritual family and how very much my life has changed since I moved here five months ago.

May the peace of Christ be with you tonight . . .

"Prayer, is serious business; we are asking for real things, and therefore we have to be ready for real answers, for whatever God may ask of us."

Everyday . . .

So this week was supposed to be the week I returned to writing . . . as you can see that has not really happened. There were a few times this past week that I sat down to write an entry, but I could never bring myself to finish it. Now here it is Friday (technically Saturday) at 12:30am and I am awake and writing, so I might as well go with the flow.

On the everyday life front, as most people already know I got a new job last week. Thanks to Fez, I now work in the kitchen at NorthWest Child Care. Though I loved my job at Old Navy, I found that I needed something with more consistency and stability. Today ended my first full week there, and I have to say that I am happy with my decision.

This past Wednesday night, two of my friends from Old Navy came over for dinner. Royal and Haki have definitely become two of my favorite co-workers in my co-worker history. They definitely made doing shipment at 5:45am something to look forward too. Kerri made an awesome dinner and then we just enjoyed hanging out and talking with each other.

In just about five days I will be boarding a plane and heading east to visit my family and friends in NY. I have not been back to NY since I left in September, so I am looking forward to seeing people and just being there. The five days that I will be spending there are already pretty booked up, between seeing family, the youth, and some old friends. I suppose I have a little bit of mixed feelings when it comes to my trip. A lot has changed since I left in September, a lot more than I thought would or could change. Regardless of my nervous anticipation, I am looking forward to five days that will be well spend with people who are very near and dear to me.

That is pretty much it on the every day news front. As per the thoughts rambling around in my head, well I am not sure where to begin. I think for now I will just mention that I am really looking forward to this session of Underground Seminary. Right now we are reading the book "Jesus and Community" by Lohfink. It has definitely given me a lot to think about and I have only read the first chapter. The constantly being exposed to new ideas and thought processes has been one of the more consistent things about being here in Columbus . . . and I like that . . . I like that I am being challenged and forced to think. I also have recently picked up the book "Spirit of the Disciplines" by Dallas Willard. And from what I read so far, it looks as though it will be a very good read.'

Well it is getting close to 1:00am, and that is where I call it quits, or should I say bedtime. I have the day off tomorrow . . . hooray for sleeping past 7am.

Writing . . .

Today begins a new season in my writing. Writing was previously my primary outlet of communication or should I say expression, therefore I spent a great deal of time doing it and doing my very best to articulate all of the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing. However, since moving to Columbus, I have found myself a part of an environment that allows me to communicate the things that I am thinking, and therefore I have found a somewhat lesser need for writing.

But I have found that as much as I have been able to communicate, there is still more thoughts that need to be thought out loud, things that I need to work through. So you can call it a tardy New Year's Resolution or possibly just a new self-discipline, but I am committing myself to writing more often. Whether it be blogging or in my sweet new journal, I need to start forming these words inside my head into something that makes sense.

I currently need to finish getting ready for work and then head out on my merry way, but when I get home from work today, y'all will find some substance here.

Till Later.

Thoughts . . .

I was telling a good friend of mine, Glenn, that I wish I could write and express my thoughts the way I did in the previous entry . . . and he said . . .

"i was actually thinking that as i read the entry.. that it kinda seemed like you wrote all that stuff down, felt so much through it... but then i kinda wondered if you wrote it down because it was so bottled up inside you, that it forced or was let its way out on paper, and now you have setting where it doesnt have to be bottled up anymore . . ."

And I think he is right, but at the same time, there is still so much that I need to think through, things that I need process.

I don't know . . .

May 4th 2004

The following is an entry from my old live journal from May 4th 2004 . . . I had not read since I wrote it, that is until today, when I stumbled upon it out of nowhere (it was marked a private entry on LJ, so I forgot I had written it). I know it is pretty long, but it sure does shed a lot of light on who I am and where I was coming from both then and where I am now . . .

Here it is May 4th 2004 and I am sitting in what will soon be Pastor Dustin’s office, contemplating the issues of life and my future. Last night I talked more about my life and my thoughts than I had in a long time. It all seemed so clear, so rational, and so easy to communicate. Though I have no intention of thinking really deeply at the moment about my life or anything going on it, I almost feel compelled to. Like as much as I talk about things, I know there is more, I know there is both a bigger picture and a deeper meaning. So while I have to live my life with in the context of the moment, within the parameters of the day or week or month, I also have to get an idea of what it all leading too. I am not saying I need to consistently know all of my destination points on my journey, but I have to have an idea of where I am supposed to end up, to make sure I am getting there properly. Even that statement can be put to the side when I have to come to terms with the sovereignty of God.

There have been many points or moments within the last two years when I wanted to give up. When I no longer desired to think deeply and passionately about my life, where I no longer wanted to feel my life as deep as I do. I just wanted to live each day for the day’s sake and then move on. I did not want to have to think about my destiny or the will of God for my life. I did not desire to grow up or do any more learning through life lessons both big and small. There were so many days I would show up at work while I was in Rhode Island and be ready to simply give up. For I found growing up to simply be too hard. I found really living my life to be too hurtful, too painful, too much work on the inside. I did not want to have to be something better than what I was. I did not want to change, when everyone else could be content on staying the same. I did not want to be called, I did not want be so self aware. But yet I was and I still am.

Last Thursday as I was taking time to communicate with God rather loudly in the sanctuary at church, I quoted to myself an Oswald Chambers quote that I had come across some time over the last year. The gist of it is that the situations or circumstances that I go through were not meant for me at all, they were meant to make me useful in His hands. That is such a strange concept to grasp sometimes. How is it possible to console the pain and hurt in my life with idea that it is all happening so fulfill this great call upon my life better.

Why is that I have a call on my life? I know everyone has a purpose, like a specific space with their name written on it, a space only their life could fill. But most people live their lives unaware of this space. They simply live to live, to exist from day to day, doing their best to find the most happiness they can. Most people do not think of impacting the world, or making a difference, or moving beyond the boundaries of their own little world. Which is completely understandable, as most peoples world’s are very full these days with all the busyness of life and the pursuit of happiness. But why not me? Why do I consistently look to get rid of my boxes, to move beyond what I know in my own little world? Why do I feel life so deeply or why am I so aware of the struggles of lives around me? Why does life seem to mean more to me than most? Why is that I am never satisfied? Why is that as much as I complain about growing up, complain about all the hurt and the pain that accompanies the idea of living life consciously, that I continue to show up for this never ending adventure every day? Why when I feel like I am in the bottom of the worst valley that I faced in my life, to get up again and keep going? Why after I have balled my eyes out and screamed at the top of my lungs because I simply ache that bad inside do I wake one more morning to live another day? Why is it that my life, is meant to affect destiny? Why am I not allowed to be content with just existing and moving from day to day? Why do I keep going even though I try to fight it half the time? Like I exclaim the pain that I inflict on myself when I shatter a box of perception in my life, only to continue to do it. Why is it that even in the most difficult of my life’s circumstances do I seek for something deeper, something more? Why it is that I never feel complete?

I have been told that I am seeker, a questioner, someone that will always pursue the truth beyond the status quo. To understand things better I implore myself to experience them, to be certain of what I believe, I seek to be thoroughly convinced. I refuse to be satisfied when I know there is more to be experienced, more to be doing, more to know and communicate to others. Why doesn’t the status quo of the Christian religion satisfy me? Why this is idea of eternity in heaven not enough for me? Why do I know that there is just so much more and why do I long for it so desperately? Why, when I listen to my hundreds of CD’s does my heart break in desperation as the longing of my soul is spoken into words? And why does that make me feel more a live than listening to a thousand sermons or spending forty hours a week at church? Why has my soul yet to be satisfied? And yet why in the midst of this deeper inner desperation do I constantly battle discouragement? Why is my refusal to accept the status quo when it comes to my relationship with God a reason for me to not like myself for not being at the place with God that I desire so very much to be? I am not sure if that last sentence even makes sense. It basically is a summation of how hard on myself I am for what appear to be my constant failings. But yet I should not focus on the failings as much as I should focus on the fact that I am seeking and pursuing so much and so hard that I keep getting knocked down. And what I think are failures are really signs that I am doing everything I can to live out my life for the One who gave it to me.

Basically I would not be failing if I was not trying to attain something more. But yet again I refuse to settle when it comes to God. And I suppose that might be part of the reason that I do not feel like I should stay here in New York at this point. I know I could do great things for God here and really invest in the lives of the youth and children and even some of the adults at this church, but I feel too much in a container here. Like I am not comfortable enough to live out the radical life style of passion and pursuit of God that is running through my veins. I am not sure that I can explain the why of my frustration with my current situation, except to say that I just do not feel I have the right outlet for everything that is bottled up inside. It is almost like how I felt towards the end of my time at Zion. I fit but I do not fit. I could make it a good life, but it is not the best life I could live. It could actually be considered settling. And I will admit, there have been times, especially some of the times I was laying face to the ground in the midst of a huge valley that settling was very appealing. Settling could take away my fears about my future, give me a comfortable place to live out my life for the next few years, placate all of the insecurities or doubts that I have. But settling would be like saying I will no longer challenge myself to be something better or do something more. And I could do that here, and that might just be what PA is too. But I have to believe that is there is life outside of the four walls of the life I now know. There is life outside of NY or PA or even RI. There is a life that will be make me feel completely alive inside, that life exists, I just have to keep pushing, keep dreaming until I find it.

There have been so many places along the way in my life, even just these last two years that I could have settled. Places where I could have given up on my desire for something more to find refuge from the wicked battle raging inside. But I didn’t. There has been so many times where my life just stopped making sense, where I felt so far out of my four year plan (or four year comfort zone) that I just wanted to give up. I think my lack of understanding for all that has been happening in my life has become one of my greatest enemies. For that is what produces doubt or uncertainty, and sometimes even fear. It is what sends me running to anything, place or person that is familiar to me, running to something that I can fathom and understand. But even when I am so close to giving up and settling, something inside of me just will not let me. It is almost like I cannot remain still for too long of a period of time. Something inside of me is always stirring me, making me long and desire for something so much more than I already know and have.

I suppose in some respects I should consider myself blessed. I would use the word lucky, but luck is something that is widely not accepted in Christian circles. I should consider myself blessed to even have a glimpse into my purpose, to have even an inkling of an idea of what my destiny it is to be. As much as the whole idea of feeling and experiencing life deeper than most people around me sometimes hurts more than I would prefer, it is also a tremendous gift. It is like a fire burning deep within my bones, it is the passion that stirs deep with in my soul, it is what has kept me alive this far.

It is sometimes scary to realize that my decisions do really determine my destiny. That I really could choose to walk away from this all, or even just simply settle for what I have now in my relationship with God and in my life (because sadly it is more than most people find in their lifetime). But I know that I could never even come close to being satisfied in a life other than this one, that is a simple and solid truth.

If you have actually read this far through the entry . . . know that I appreciate it . . . also know that I have found that life that makes me feel completely alive inside . . .

Sometimes I wish I knew how to be a better friend . . .

Justification

So as I sit here waiting for my sheets to finish drying in the dryer (so I can go to bed), I am thinking about a conversation I had with Mark today about justification. I took a look through Romans and tried to see if I could read the passages about justification through the lens of what we were talking about. This lens or perspective believes that the justification Paul was speaking of was not refering to individual justification from sin, but as Yoder puts it in his book Politics of Jesus, "Rather justification by grace is a joining together of this person and that person, of near and far; . . . it is a social event." The people joining together in this context would the Jews and the Gentiles, forming the new people of God. I am really trying hard to wrap my head around this one and I am not sure how much progress I am actually making.

In other news, tomorrow is my last day working shipment at Old Navy. The job at NorthWest seems to be working out really well. It is sort of hard to believe that Old Navy won't be my main job anymore, it has been such a common thing in my life. In fact it has been the only thing that has been consistent in all the seasons of my short life thus far. So for me to be leaving it behind feels kind of strange, almost a little frightening, but it seems as though I have done it anyway.

Well, I think my sheets are almost dry . . .

Unexpected . . .

Today began as a usual today . . . work early in the morning . . . hanging with the Kerri, Riley & Trey all afternoon . . . dinner with family. It was all pretty normal till about 10pm . . . thats when the unexpected started happening . . . .

First I went to see a friend very briefly (basically a whole three minutes) . . . and I am not sure really sure about all that is going on there, but on my way home I took advantage of the car time and made a phone call to an old friend from NY named Christine that I met on this retreat back in 1999. It was really nice to talk with her and from that conversation we decided to set up a time to talk and pray with each other once a week . . . I will most certainly look forward to those times.

But it was the next conversation that will have my head spinning (in a good way) for quite some time. I called up the Jackson's because I had not heard from them in about three weeks and wondered how they were doing. And in the almost seven years that I have known them, this will go down as the best conversation I have had with them, particulary Jen, thus far. There were two points of the conversation that drew a completely silent response. I am going to describe them out of order since the first one was far more significant.

The second stunning revelation of the evening was that the Jackson's have read my blog. Not large portions of it, but mainly the stuff that pertained to them . . . the entries that I wrote before, during and after Central City. I will admit I exclaimed quite a few "Holy Crap's!" & "Oh My Gosh's" . . . but in the end it did not really matter. Though they read some things that were initially very hurtful to them, it did not matter . . . in fact it made them all that more determined not to lose my friendship from their life.

I will introduce the first stunning relevation by explaing that a lot has changed in the way I view the Jackson's since I went to visit them in November. When I left there, I really thought that door was closing in my life (and as it turns out, they thought they were losing me too) and I came home very much prepared to move on (not to devalue their presence in my life, but to simple move forward in this journey, without them). But they were determined not lose me (which I only know as their motivation after last night's conversation) and so Jen called me two weeks after the visit. And then she called a week after that. And the next week after that. Each time she would call me, it was not some complicated and deep conversation, it was just talking about life. Then the holidays came and went, things were busy and so I had not heard from anyone in the Jackson Family for over three weeks, so I decided to call (it needs to be said that if she had not started calling in the beginning this never would have happened, I would have let closure be closure and not really put any effort into maintaining the relationship). Anyway I have written this whole long introduction to simply say that Jen flat out read me like a book. But she did not do it so that she could prove that she knew something about my life, she did it by way of apology.

I was orginally going to go into the whole conversation and why it was so significant, but I think it I will leave at that for the the first time (in a really long time) I felt as though she truly and genuinly understood me. And that absolutely floored me.

It is as if the relationship has started over . . . in a very new and honest way. Something change in or for me, that made me approach and view this relationship very differently. It is really almost as if a clean slate has been started (built on the things that were great about our relationship in the past, leaving out all my misperceptions and fears and such forth.

I know it seems like I got a lot more vague as the entry went on, but I don't care so much. I feel as though I said what I needed to say, and if you would like to more, you can just ask.

When I went out last night and quickly returned home, I thought it was a little bit of waste that I had stayed up so late past my bed time, but it turned out to be well worth it . . . more than I can explain.

May this year begin and go forth in the most wonderful of fashion . . .