May 4th 2004

The following is an entry from my old live journal from May 4th 2004 . . . I had not read since I wrote it, that is until today, when I stumbled upon it out of nowhere (it was marked a private entry on LJ, so I forgot I had written it). I know it is pretty long, but it sure does shed a lot of light on who I am and where I was coming from both then and where I am now . . .

Here it is May 4th 2004 and I am sitting in what will soon be Pastor Dustin’s office, contemplating the issues of life and my future. Last night I talked more about my life and my thoughts than I had in a long time. It all seemed so clear, so rational, and so easy to communicate. Though I have no intention of thinking really deeply at the moment about my life or anything going on it, I almost feel compelled to. Like as much as I talk about things, I know there is more, I know there is both a bigger picture and a deeper meaning. So while I have to live my life with in the context of the moment, within the parameters of the day or week or month, I also have to get an idea of what it all leading too. I am not saying I need to consistently know all of my destination points on my journey, but I have to have an idea of where I am supposed to end up, to make sure I am getting there properly. Even that statement can be put to the side when I have to come to terms with the sovereignty of God.

There have been many points or moments within the last two years when I wanted to give up. When I no longer desired to think deeply and passionately about my life, where I no longer wanted to feel my life as deep as I do. I just wanted to live each day for the day’s sake and then move on. I did not want to have to think about my destiny or the will of God for my life. I did not desire to grow up or do any more learning through life lessons both big and small. There were so many days I would show up at work while I was in Rhode Island and be ready to simply give up. For I found growing up to simply be too hard. I found really living my life to be too hurtful, too painful, too much work on the inside. I did not want to have to be something better than what I was. I did not want to change, when everyone else could be content on staying the same. I did not want to be called, I did not want be so self aware. But yet I was and I still am.

Last Thursday as I was taking time to communicate with God rather loudly in the sanctuary at church, I quoted to myself an Oswald Chambers quote that I had come across some time over the last year. The gist of it is that the situations or circumstances that I go through were not meant for me at all, they were meant to make me useful in His hands. That is such a strange concept to grasp sometimes. How is it possible to console the pain and hurt in my life with idea that it is all happening so fulfill this great call upon my life better.

Why is that I have a call on my life? I know everyone has a purpose, like a specific space with their name written on it, a space only their life could fill. But most people live their lives unaware of this space. They simply live to live, to exist from day to day, doing their best to find the most happiness they can. Most people do not think of impacting the world, or making a difference, or moving beyond the boundaries of their own little world. Which is completely understandable, as most peoples world’s are very full these days with all the busyness of life and the pursuit of happiness. But why not me? Why do I consistently look to get rid of my boxes, to move beyond what I know in my own little world? Why do I feel life so deeply or why am I so aware of the struggles of lives around me? Why does life seem to mean more to me than most? Why is that I am never satisfied? Why is that as much as I complain about growing up, complain about all the hurt and the pain that accompanies the idea of living life consciously, that I continue to show up for this never ending adventure every day? Why when I feel like I am in the bottom of the worst valley that I faced in my life, to get up again and keep going? Why after I have balled my eyes out and screamed at the top of my lungs because I simply ache that bad inside do I wake one more morning to live another day? Why is it that my life, is meant to affect destiny? Why am I not allowed to be content with just existing and moving from day to day? Why do I keep going even though I try to fight it half the time? Like I exclaim the pain that I inflict on myself when I shatter a box of perception in my life, only to continue to do it. Why is it that even in the most difficult of my life’s circumstances do I seek for something deeper, something more? Why it is that I never feel complete?

I have been told that I am seeker, a questioner, someone that will always pursue the truth beyond the status quo. To understand things better I implore myself to experience them, to be certain of what I believe, I seek to be thoroughly convinced. I refuse to be satisfied when I know there is more to be experienced, more to be doing, more to know and communicate to others. Why doesn’t the status quo of the Christian religion satisfy me? Why this is idea of eternity in heaven not enough for me? Why do I know that there is just so much more and why do I long for it so desperately? Why, when I listen to my hundreds of CD’s does my heart break in desperation as the longing of my soul is spoken into words? And why does that make me feel more a live than listening to a thousand sermons or spending forty hours a week at church? Why has my soul yet to be satisfied? And yet why in the midst of this deeper inner desperation do I constantly battle discouragement? Why is my refusal to accept the status quo when it comes to my relationship with God a reason for me to not like myself for not being at the place with God that I desire so very much to be? I am not sure if that last sentence even makes sense. It basically is a summation of how hard on myself I am for what appear to be my constant failings. But yet I should not focus on the failings as much as I should focus on the fact that I am seeking and pursuing so much and so hard that I keep getting knocked down. And what I think are failures are really signs that I am doing everything I can to live out my life for the One who gave it to me.

Basically I would not be failing if I was not trying to attain something more. But yet again I refuse to settle when it comes to God. And I suppose that might be part of the reason that I do not feel like I should stay here in New York at this point. I know I could do great things for God here and really invest in the lives of the youth and children and even some of the adults at this church, but I feel too much in a container here. Like I am not comfortable enough to live out the radical life style of passion and pursuit of God that is running through my veins. I am not sure that I can explain the why of my frustration with my current situation, except to say that I just do not feel I have the right outlet for everything that is bottled up inside. It is almost like how I felt towards the end of my time at Zion. I fit but I do not fit. I could make it a good life, but it is not the best life I could live. It could actually be considered settling. And I will admit, there have been times, especially some of the times I was laying face to the ground in the midst of a huge valley that settling was very appealing. Settling could take away my fears about my future, give me a comfortable place to live out my life for the next few years, placate all of the insecurities or doubts that I have. But settling would be like saying I will no longer challenge myself to be something better or do something more. And I could do that here, and that might just be what PA is too. But I have to believe that is there is life outside of the four walls of the life I now know. There is life outside of NY or PA or even RI. There is a life that will be make me feel completely alive inside, that life exists, I just have to keep pushing, keep dreaming until I find it.

There have been so many places along the way in my life, even just these last two years that I could have settled. Places where I could have given up on my desire for something more to find refuge from the wicked battle raging inside. But I didn’t. There has been so many times where my life just stopped making sense, where I felt so far out of my four year plan (or four year comfort zone) that I just wanted to give up. I think my lack of understanding for all that has been happening in my life has become one of my greatest enemies. For that is what produces doubt or uncertainty, and sometimes even fear. It is what sends me running to anything, place or person that is familiar to me, running to something that I can fathom and understand. But even when I am so close to giving up and settling, something inside of me just will not let me. It is almost like I cannot remain still for too long of a period of time. Something inside of me is always stirring me, making me long and desire for something so much more than I already know and have.

I suppose in some respects I should consider myself blessed. I would use the word lucky, but luck is something that is widely not accepted in Christian circles. I should consider myself blessed to even have a glimpse into my purpose, to have even an inkling of an idea of what my destiny it is to be. As much as the whole idea of feeling and experiencing life deeper than most people around me sometimes hurts more than I would prefer, it is also a tremendous gift. It is like a fire burning deep within my bones, it is the passion that stirs deep with in my soul, it is what has kept me alive this far.

It is sometimes scary to realize that my decisions do really determine my destiny. That I really could choose to walk away from this all, or even just simply settle for what I have now in my relationship with God and in my life (because sadly it is more than most people find in their lifetime). But I know that I could never even come close to being satisfied in a life other than this one, that is a simple and solid truth.

If you have actually read this far through the entry . . . know that I appreciate it . . . also know that I have found that life that makes me feel completely alive inside . . .