What a great day today was . . .

I slept in till after 9am. Had a very relaxing morning. Headed out to the post office and mailed out some cards. Then I came home, made a new friend a CD, then went back to the post office and mailed it. Came home, cleaned my room a little bit and relaxed some more. Then I had a nice dinner with the Stetler's and Holly. A little bit after dinner and the kids were in bed, Kerri and I went grocery shopping at Trader Joe's & Kroger. I really enjoyed that time.

Now I am off to bed . . .

Ever present and yet still I want more.

Feels so close . . . pushing me forward . . . getting my attention . . . dominating my thoughts . . .

If I only knew why . . .

so much to say . . . but how about i just say that i love my life. i love the people in my life. i love where my life is. oh i am just all about love right now.

i suppose i will go into more detail later . . . for now it is all about the underground . . .

"It is precisely at this point that agape, love, shows its difference from the Greek ideal of philia, friendship, in which reciprocity played such a central part. The concrete actions that characterize this community of love may be described as acts of identification on the one hand, or substitution on the other. Identification, the solidarity of the members with one another, goes beyond mere sociality, for each is inextricably involved in the life of the other. Substitution, bearing one another's burdens in quite tangible ways, goes beyond mere helpfulness or even compassion. Prayer made by one member of the community for another and especially suffering undergone by one member on behalf of another are just two examples of what is in view here."

-Paul's Idea of Community by Robert Banks (pg. 54)

A little over five months ago I had no idea what the kingdom was about or what "community" was and the commitment that came with it. But each day that I wake up here in Columbus, Ohio I am learning more, and as the days pass I am falling more in love with this life, with these people, my community of faith, my family, that I have committed my life to.

When I left a comment on Palmer's blog eight months ago, I had no idea the direction my life was about to take . . . but I do know that I could never thank him enough . . .

Peace to you and yours . . .

. . . and healing for Palmer.

I wish I was able to articulate in words the things that I am currently thinking and those things that stood out to me, that were part of conversations that I experienced and observed tonight.

Currently I am not a big fan of semantics, of terminology, of denominational perspectives and backgrounds and blinders. I dislike that I am biased by where I have come and that it has the possibility to influence where I am going. Not that the influence is flat out negative, I just want to be able to look at something with fresh eyes and not through some one else's glasses, whether it be the Assemblies of God, Vineyard, Luthern, Methodist or Mennonite.

To me this is not about rejecting my past or the foundation my relationship with God/faith was built on . . . it is about a true, honest and real pursuit of what it means to follow Christ and what living out a commitment to Christ looks like in this life. And I just don't want to take someone else's word for it . . . I don't want to be able to recite some new list of beliefs and ways of life (as I could recite the doctrine and theology of the Assemblies) . . . I want to be changed, I want to be convinced, I want to search for truth and understanding. I want the Spirit to speak to me, to completely direct this undertaking.

Is that okay? Does that make any sense?

Today I was both told I was drunk and asked if I was high . . . simply because I appeared giddy . . . the reason for my giddyness . . . I haven't got a clue, but I enjoyed it. It was as though I felt very much alive today, in a way I have not felt in a really long time. It is not everyday I jump off the stairs and let out a great big loud "Woo Hoo" and the top of my lungs. Hopefully I will be able to do the same tomorrow.

So here is to giddyness and understanding.

Peace.

"if this is going to work . . ."

a lot needs to change, for me. and though a few nights ago i had no idea how that could happen, today i feel as though i have slightly better direction.

in other news i feel as though "something is up", as everytime i stop thinking, the Spirit is there and i take off praying in the Spirit (also known as prayer language/speaking in other tongues). it seems to have been ever present the last 48 hours or so. i don't know what to think about it. but far be it from me to stop it.

well i must be off to work, long day of making grilled cheese, rounded off with some nice staff orientation. hip hip hooray.

peace.

This weekend was really cool. I spent some nice time with some really quality people. From riding a motorcyle for the first itme (thanks Fez) and getting to celebrate Holly's birthday with some really cool people, I could not have asked for a better weekend.

I just wish I did not think so much . . .

. . . may YOUR kingdom come
YOUR will be done . . .

Regret . . .

Friday afternoon I went into Old Navy to pick up my schedule. After I got my schedule and ran into a few people going through the door, I sat down at the break room table and allowed myself to wallow in the large amount of regret I was feeling for leaving my job at Old Navy. I sat there thinking about how much I missed the people that I worked with and how if I had made decisions differently around Christmas time, that I could have been pretty well set with my job there. In effort to ease the sadness, I looked at how my life had changed since I stopped doing shipment at Old Navy and began my job at NWCCC. I did not have to think really hard to realize the great things that have come from working at NWCCC . . .

It begins when I walk in at 7:45am and walk down the hall and the first person I see is Mandy Taylor . . . then twenty or so minutes later when I make my rounds to deliver breakfast, I get to say good morning to Holly Hayes, and then about an hour after that I talk with Fez as he sets up the tables in the gym for lunch. Then a few hours later, after lunch is all set up and the big kids are eating, I get to go hang out with Holly in the Chickadees room, watching Davic put tartar sauce in his hair and hear Jack exclaim what a good eater he is.

I cannot begin to tell you what a blessing it has been to see these people everyday . . . to have conversations . . . to share life with them. To have an opportunity to develop these relationships has been really good for me. Building relationships has always been something that was difficult for me, at least the real, open and honest ones that I have come across here in Columbus, but these last few weeks have been filled with opportunities to hang out with people, get to know them and just simply have a good time. I am so grateful for those.

One of the those fabulous opportunities was yesterday, when I got the privilige of going with Holly and her friend Katie to see Holly's family down in West Virginia. It was sort of random and a little last minute, but it was definetly time well spent. The time was filled with great conversation, Holly's unique way of driving, good old Arby's, meeting Holly's really cool family, hanging out at a nursing home where I met Holly's grandmother, some good tunes, overall a nice time where people were simply present to each other.

So, with all that said, my regret for leaving my job at Old Navy has subsided, simply because I would be foolish to want to give up what I have gained in the last month in working at NWCCC.

Peace to you all.

Awkward

Sometimes I wish there was more that I could do or say. . . but I just feel awkward asking . . . and at the same time I feel bad for not asking . . . I know I have been pretty bad at communication in the last two weeks, it just has all felt so awkward. Cause you see I really do care about all that has been going on, I am not sure that that matters or makes a difference, but I do care.

Awkward is a good word to describe how I have felt these last two weeks, I am not sure what that is all about. And I have to fight my usual "runaway" defense mechanism. I just know I am struggling with how to relate to people . . . how to talk to them . . . how to be open and honest.

I just don't know . . . but I don't like where this is heading, and it is my responsibilty to do something about it . . .

I'm sorry it was a long night . . .