Homework

I just want to learn more . . . to learn everything I can . . . for some strange reason I find myself missing the idea of homework . . . yeah so I know I am a freak . . .but just the whole idea of learning and be challenged . . .

Anyway I should really start some packing . . . one more week to go . . .

Well Spent

The best way to describe the time between 9pm and 11pm last night is "well spent". I got to see my best friend from high school last night before she went back to Northeastern (she had been working at the school in Boston all summer). It was just so nice to sit and catch up on our lives, the big changes that are happening, and where we are headed. It was simple and sweet and a very nice way to leave things.

The sweeping winds of change have been speaking volumes to my life lately . . . but it seems as though they have finally brought in a sweet sense of peace.

A little over a week and I will be in Columbus, Ohio . . .

A Time

As I sat at the Monroe Diner tonight I wondered if there would ever be a time in my life when someone will ask what I am thinking . . . like truly and genuinely ask . . . and than sit and listen to the answer. I love the people I was hanging out with tonight . . . but they have no idea who I am. They know the youth leader, church employee, semi-young adult. They don't know the disciple, the seeker, the person I am inside my head. And for the most part I don't think it is wise for them to know that person, because right now I do not think most of them would understand.

Tonight I felt like I was from a different planet. That the things that are so important to me right now . . . have not even entered the realm of thought in the lives of the most of the people I live my life among. If some people only knew went on inside my head . . .

Tonight I wish someone knew . . . I wish I could talk freely and openly about all that it is I am thinking . . . about just how much has been changing with me lately. And I know that is some what the point of this blog . . . but to have a real conversation . . .

I am still holding out hope that there will be a time.

Can God Trust Me?

So, can God trust me? I heard a message tonight out of 2 Timothy 2 about being a vessel of honor (good utensil vs. bad utensil). And the speaker said "Can God trust you enough to know that when He asks you to do something will you do it? Will you jump when He says jump? Will you do what He asks and not ask why?"

Out of the whole message that is what stuck with me the most. And when I tie that together with some of the reading I am have been doing lately (Challenge of Jesus by N.T. Wright and The Cost of Discipleship by Bonhoffer), I really had to ask myself whether or not God can trust me.

All I know is that at the end of the day I want to be the type of person that God can really trust . . . and I think after all these years of growing up in church and being a Christian, I am finally starting to understand what that means. What it is to be disciple, to be a part of the people of God, to be a follower of Christ.

It is almost as if God is saying to me, "You thought you had counted the cost before . . . well you ain't seen nothing yet." And my response is simply "Bring It On". For there is no other life for me than this . . .

"Jesus lead on . . . I will follow"

Garden State

I wrote two really long posts about the effects the above mentioned movie had on me tonight. One got lost in the temporary meltdown of live journal and the other is saved in Microsoft Word, because I could not bring myself to post that much raw honesty in one sitting.

Suffice to say, the numbness of my life (not necessarily a bad numbness either, just one that lives out everyday life . . . and lives it well) was subsided by the viewing of this movie. In identifying with the main character of the movie, I found myself once again feeling the hurt associated with my life and being real. I then also found myself in need of some safety . . . which cannot be found anywhere. Which is usually why I stick to being numb about most of the things I think and feel. And I am okay with that . . . it is only when I think of what it might feel like to truly feel safe that I am reminded of the hurt I feel.

But as long as my mind is occupied with life and living . . . I'm good. Here’s to life and living . . . until this crazy kid on this amazing journey can find some safety.

For Some History

My thoughts prior to this can be found here.