I am sitting in the new coffee house in Grandview . . . "Luck Brothers" . . . it is right next to my apartment . . . certainly convient.

I have spent the last few days doing a lot of thinking . . . reflecting . . . and drowning my "sorrows" in a stack of DVD's I rented from the Grandview Library.

I gave myself some space this weekend . . . it was a good idea . . . but it was hard.

Being left with my thoughts . . . especially after this year, this month, this past week . . . well I will put it this way . . . I would have rather been distacted by life than had to think about.

Oh, what a year it has been.

I am looking forward to tomorrow . . . for no other reason than it begins the new year.

Though the passing of time and years does not mean as much as it used to . . . I am more than open to the idea that this coming year will be better than the last . . . even if the only thing seperating them is a day.

2007.

peace and action.

I conquered a fear of mine yesterday.

I went down to Columbus State Community College.

I signed up for three classes for winter quarter . . . and jumped through all of the hoops neccesary.

However, after much debating I am going to drop all three classes.

I think it is going to be better to wait till Spring to take a look at the beast of academia.

I went down there yesterday to see what my options were . . . and though I thought there would not be options for this coming quarter, there I was signing up for English, World Civ. and Freshman Seminar.

Before I knew I had paid my bill and was at the bookstore picking up books.

After the whirlwind of that experience, I spent the remainder of the afternoon and evening thinking about what I was doing.

And I came to the conclusion that going back to school is definetly in my future, but I think I jumped too quick on everything that happened yesterday . . . and want the process to be slow with the least amount of anxiety possible.

So today I will drop my three classes, with the hopes that they will be waiting for me come Spring and Summer.

Before last night I never thought that the term “rich” applied to me.

I have read the Bible often throughout my life . . . I have read the scriptures condemning the rich . . . forcing humility upon them, many many times.

But there was never any reason to throw myself in the category of the “rich” . . . “rich” meant you a had a lot of money or possessions . . . and I certainly have never had much of those.

However compared to ninety percent of the world . . . I am rich.

Rich because I have the choice between hot and cold water . . . because I breathe in clean air and have immediate access to clean drinking water . . . because I own a car . . . because I make more than two dollars a day (nevermind what I earn in an hour) . . . because . . . well because so many different things.

I am overwhelmed with these thoughts . . . but they make too much sense for me to ignore them.

I hate that this feels like it is all or nothing . . . my passion for the things once ignited is likely to explode and what does that really look like in the context of my life here, in Columbus, now?

I cannot shake the feeling that no matter what I do it will never be enough . . . and that makes me want to do nothing.

This is not about carving out a time for a program, activity, ministry or weekly meeting . . . it is about a way of life . . . another great blow to the once rock solid worldview.

My worldview . . . the way I view the world in which I live has been shaken to the core in the last two months . . . more so than when I ventured out of my original box and moved from NY to Columbus two years ago.

As much chaos as the destruction of my worldview has brought to my life . . . I have found myself welcoming it.

Cause like I said . . . though it overwhelms me so completely . . . it makes sense.

Don't worry . . . I am not saying any of this to judge you . . . to question your convictions . . . cause those are not really any of my business.

This is about me . . . and what I hear God speaking to my heart . . . it is about the thoughts that I can no longer ignore or quiet with random "good deeds".

I am not trying to sound all drastic or "radical" and I am not coming down too hard on myself or judging myself too "strictly".

I am just trying to process what it really means to serve the poor . . . to be poor . . . to offer my entire life to this whole following Jesus thing.

Yeah . . . I don't know.

"Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming upon you. Your wealth has rotted and moths have eaten your clothes. Your gold and silver are corroded. Their corrosion will testify against you and eat your flesh like fire. You have hoarded wealth in the last days. Look! The wages you failed to pay the workmen who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of Lord Almighty. You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. You have fattened yourselves in the day of slaughter. You have condemned and murdered innocent men, who were not opposing you." -James 5:1-6

I spent the last week reading "Christ & Violence" by Ron Sider.

Here are just a few of the things that got me thinking . . .

"One can only agree with James Douglass . . . In the contemporary world of affluence and poverty where man's major crime is murder by privilege, revolution againist the established order is the criterion of a living faith. . . . Truly I say to you, as you did it not to one of the least of these, you did it not to me (Matt. 25:45). The murder of Christ continues. Great societies build on dying men." -pg.69

"But the basic question is really whether we will dare to measure our lifestyles by the needs of the poor rather than by the practices of our affluent neighbors." -pg.78

"The other part of the bad news we must face is that we have talked about peace and then glady enjoyed the fruits of violence. Claiming to believe that it is the peacemakers who are blessed, we have to a terrible degree happily accepted the benefits of the violent status quo." -pg.93