I am broken.

I don't understand how I got that way.

I kind of get the theory of why things are the way they are.

I sort of comprehend the causes and their ugly effects.

But I still don't really know how things got the way they did.

I don't understand how my life has broken me.

We are beginning to find our beautiful people and are choosing to radically love them.

They are our neighbors . . .

They are the poor . . .

They are the homeless . . .

They are the broken . . .

They are right in front us . . .

I read this on Chris Marshall's blog this morning . . . .

"To follow Jesus includes a road of suffering. It is a baptism of fire. No one asks for it, but they happen and the desert is a very rough teacher. Continuing the cycling of grief makes all the talk of emerging church and ministry so irrelevant. If you want to be cool and hip and relevant, stay out of ministry and find a job in marketing. If you want to follow Jesus, then pick up your sword and start swinging. Its not a program nor technique, its War and it will take the wind right out of you. There will come a day when the Kingdom comes in fullness, for now, its reality is only in part here. But. . . that's a pretty beautiful part. You want a ministry? Forget all the books and techniques. Find the people you think are beautiful and love them. Its not anything more complicated. To fulfill that love, it will cost you everything. But in following Jesus, you inherit everything that matters. "

It was very timely to read that this morning . . .

I think what Eric said on Thursday night . . . about it being about radically loving those around us . . . is really the bottomline of all of this . . . it really is all about love.

I am feeling a little lost today.

I feel like I have just been moving through my day stuck in this weird place.

I feel like I failed people in my interactions with them today . . . I could have been more aware . . . more present . . . more myself . . more helpful . . . a better friend.

I don't know.

Some thoughts from "The Broken Body" by Jean Vanier :

"This way is open to us all.
Jesus calls some to leave everything
and to become beggars of compassion like St. Francis.
He invites others to leave their familiar surroundings
to share their lives fully with the poor and weak.
Still others, he calls to invite an elderly neighbour,
or a child with a handicap,
into their hearts and homes.
Jesus calls each one of us to go deeper,
and to be compassionate as he was compassionate.,
wherever we find ourselves,
and whatever our circumstances."

"It is then we discover
that we are the poor.
At l'Arche we might have come to serve the poor,
but we will only stay
if we discover that we are the poor,
and that Jesus came to announce the good news,
not to those who serve the poor,
but to those who are poor!
It is the broken ones who lead us
to our brokenness,
and to the knowledge that we need a healing saviour.
Thus they lead us to Jesus,
to healing,
to wholeness,
to resurrection."

Twenty minutes of silence.

Twenty minutes of memories.

Sitting on this couch.

Sitting in this living room.

I just don't get it.

So, I was supposed to go to the Death Cab for Cutie show tonight.

For some reason I decided that I just did not want to go.

I had been debating it all day.

When I found out some one else wanted to go (as to not waste the ticket), I was more the happy to give it up to them.

So now I am sitting here at 64 King, musing over the things that have been happening around and to me lately.

I went to Oxford, Ohio on Friday to visit some folks from the Veritas community . . . I went mostly for the spinach lasanga and buckeyes (meeting and conversing with good people was an extra bonus).

I ended up talking a great deal while I was there . . . they asked a lot of questions . . . and I had nothing to lose in answering.

I talked a lot about the things that I have been mulling through in the last three weeks.

I shared with them conversations that I have been having with some people here in Columbus . . . shared the depths of honesty that I have been laying before people lately.

The honesty just seemed to keep pouring out of me . . . there were no "I don't knows" or long silences . . . there were simply real answers to awfully hard questions.

I talked a lot about choosing or not choosing to follow Jesus . . . as it has been something I have been wrestling with quite a bit lately.

I went on and on about how frustrated I am with this whole process . . . how draining it is . . . how it touches every part of my life . . . how it demands more from me than I believed I am able to give.

I shared about my trouble with my "all or nothing" . . . and how much I wanted to be caught in my "all" and asked to commit to this.

That's right . . . I asked to be committed to something . . . which is huge . . . cause I am terrified of commitment.

It is the strangest thing . . . one of things I am most afraid of . . . is the thing I am longing for . . . desiring the most.

In all of my talking I figured somethings out too . . . things I did not expect to think or feel . . . I did not expect to find clarity in answering their questions . . . but that is exactly what happened.

I realized that for the most part, none of this has anything to do with me . . . it is about the kingdom . . . it is about things happening at a specific time, for a specific reason . . . whether I am ready or not.

It is about watching and helping the rule and reign of God break out in the lives of my friends, my community . . . it is about be open and be willing.

My feelings and reactions to situations are still valid . . . but they are not always the most important thing . . . and though I need to make space to feel them and work through them . . . the bottomline will never be about me, as much as it is about the kingdom . . . about what God is doing in me, through me, and around me.

These conversations were good . . . so very good for my soul . . . for the direction that I want to take my life.

I returned home with a passion I have not felt in a long time . . . and though I almost felt like I lost it on Sunday . . . I am bit more encouraged today.

In the words of my good friend Blake . . . I do believe my path has been permentanly narrowed.

Be Peace.

Welcome home . . . to the status quo.

This is simply unacceptable.

But yet it is.

Change is sometimes so constant that you don't even realize it is happening . . .

I have always been the type of person that needs to come to terms with things in my own time. Regardless of other's opinions and how right they may be about a certain topic or situation . . . I always needed to figure it out for myself . . . to come to my own conclusions.

It would seem that has been happening in big ways in my life lately . . . I have been coming to my own conclusions . . . in my own time.

Last night was real.

Last night has the potential to be a catalyst of much needed change . . . but it has only the potential . . . I need to produce the follow through.

It has not even been 24 hours . . . and I already feel like I am seriously lacking some follow through.

Maybe if I remember . . . remember that this isn't about me . . . the follow through will arrive right in time.

Crazy logic? I am sure it is . . . but I'll go for it.

Believing there is a God . . .

Following Jesus . . .

Committing myself completely to this way of life . . .

Finding peace in the transition . . .

Soaking in the the process . . .

Making this decision for myself . . .

Knowing that I could never really walk away . . .

All or nothing . . .

Here we go.