Closing & Opening

This morning I awoke (at 4:30am) to an email from a friend that I went to high school with. An email that just screamed to me it was time. The friendship was of great influence in my life for quite some time . . . probably right through my move to Columbus. Most would describe the friendship as a roller coaster, constantly going from high to low to high to even lower. Along the way many people told us it was ridiculous for us to be friends, that we were so different, we just kept hurting each other, it simply was not worth the grief we caused each other. But I would never let it go, I held on to it so tightly . . . I desperately thought that I needed that relationship in my life in order to be okay . . . to be able to survive. This last year has especially been a difficult one in the emotional rollercoaster that has been our friendship, but I was determined to see it through. Cause I did not want to fail her once again . . . I did not want to run away like I had done before.

But my determination to see it through has dimmed. But I feel that letting the distance grow between us right now is not a bad thing. It is not me copping out, bailing or walking away. Something just tells me it is time . . . this is a quote from the reply I sent to the email I recieved this morning . . .

"In retrospect though our friendship is coming into one of its calmer periods over the last few years, maybe it is time to let the time between conversations grow . . . out respect for who we are becoming."

Both of us have changed a great deal since high school . . . and my move to Columbus has changed me even more . . . even more than I expected. It just feels like I finally have a peace about letting this go . . . there is no negativity attached to it, no ill will or hard feelings. There is almost a sense of being free . . . as I know I truly no longer need her in my life, she is not what makes me okay . . . I can do that myself . . . with the support of my friends. Most of all I finally don't feel like a failure for wanting to walk away.

Being in Columbus has taught me volumes about relationships . . . mostly how scewed my perception of what they are supposed to look like is. But the people here are patient with me . . . they are helping me grow and stretching my relational comfort zone . . . and I appreciate that more than they know.

I never thought I would be okay with this happening . . . but I am actually glad for it . . . it seems my priorities have changed quite a bit from the good old days . . . and I would much rather focus on the things that are helping me grow and pushing forward, than those who are holding back.

And though it appears one very significant door from my past is closing . . . I have spent the last two months watching some of the most beautiful doors open.

So here is to the closing of some old doors and the opening of new ones . . .