Some Thoughts

The topic of former best friends has been prevelant around here for a few weeks . . . and I suppose that is what begun a very significant conversation I had last night. This is a conversation I have had with myself a thousand times. I am huge on the whole self-analyzation and can pretty much nail down a good reason for why I do what I do and such forth. But never did I actually think I that I would have this conversation with someone else. Sure I have shared bits and pieces before . . . whatever I found fitting to the situation . . . but to allow myself to go the core of the issue . . . the center of how I form and "maintain" relationships . . . was completely unnerving. I also realized that I do not express nearly enough (though I am not sure it would be beneficial to express any of it period) how much of an effort it is for me to live this life . . . to do my best to remain open and to communicate . . . and how hard I fight the desire to close up . . . to not be social . . . to not let people in. It has been the age old paradox of my life . . . I completely cower away from the thing I need most . . . even it is right in front of me.

And to top it off my friend Colyn called me last night . . . in the whole two years I have known her, I can literally count the number of times she has called me one hand . . . but last night she called me. She had previously promised she would not fall off the face the of planet . . . and she didn't . . . she actually called me. And it appears the dynamic of our relationship will be changing . . . and that sort of overwhelmed me. I love her dearly and she is one of my closest friends, someone who saw has been there for me during the most insane moments of the last two years. There is just so much there . . .

I had great difficulty going to sleep last night and I awoke this morning feeling simply overwhelmed by my thoughts and have no idea what to do or what makes sense. So much of my life, my perception of the world and people, has changed since I moved to Columbus . . . I just do not know how to make it all fit . . .

And as much as I want to walk away from it, pretend it does not exist, you know simply live my life around it . . . I can't . . . I refuse to allow myself to take steps backward, even though I desperatly want to right now . . . but to really talk this all through . . . to really deal with it . . . requires a level of vulnerabilty and of trust that I don't know if I can handle.


In much lighter news my friend Christa called me this morning while I was working. I had not heard from her in a couple of weeks and was looking forward to listening to her voice mail. So I listen to the message and she tells me she has some really good news to tell me. And I immediatly assume it has something to do with her being pregnant . . . so at the end of my shift I look up her store number (she is a GM at an Old Navy in PA) and call to get the phone number (using the store to store line) and she is the one who picks up the phone. And right after she said hello she asks me . . . . "Do you think you would or could do a baby dedication in nine months?" . . . and then the first real smile of the day came across my face . So my friend Christa (who when I first met her never wanted to get married or have kids) will be a mom in nine months . . . how sweet is that.

That is all for now . . . till later.