I know I am about to be incredibly vague . . . but that is because this post is mostly for me . . . because I wanted to document what I am feeling in this moment.

So I can come back and look at . . . and maybe some day learn from it.

I am bit heavy with dissappointment right now.

My feeble attempts to discern fault and/or responsbility have yielded nothing but frustration.

I hate feeling like I screwed something up . . . like I failed.

But yet at the same time . . . it almost had to happen.

Like this is the only way I would have allowed myself to be released.

Part of me wishes this release did not come at this price . . . that there was not this sinking feeling of anxiety brewing in my gut.

But what can I do . . . I cannot change what has happened or where I am choosing to go.

I am tempted to view the situation in the light of the phrase "cutting my losses" . . . but that seems so dark and pessimistic.

How about this . . . "it is what it is" . . . beautiful . . . painful . . . hopeful . . . hurtful . . . simply life.

I need to give myself permission to let this go . . . and I think that is what I am doing by writing all of this.

Letting myself know it is okay . . . it is okay to make this choice . . . to take these steps.

It is okay to be frustrated . . . even a little angry . . . it is okay that things end . . . it is okay to walk away . . . it is okay to move on.

I leave for Mexico in a little over thirty days . . . each day that passes I understand a little bit more of what it means to be going . . . and what it means to be leaving.

Only by the grace of God, go I.