So my destructive pattern in relationships sucks . . .

It has not carried over very much into my life here in Columbus . . . but the aftermath that it left in my life before I moved here . . . it is awful.

I had (and sometimes still have) the tendency to run when things got too close or when I felt too vulnerable. I have hurt people deeply because of my fear and that sucks . . . really bad.

I have always been an "all or nothing" kind of person . . . "all or nothing" kind of friend. And that is really great for the people who received my all . . . but really shitty for those who were receiving my "all" and that got shafted into nothingness by my fear.

It would appear there is a major need to for confrontation and reconciliation on my part . . . my list of "misdeeds" towards others is astronomical . . . I feel as though it is time I laid that all bear . . . let them in to my inner "messed-up-ness".

For some it would appear it is already too late . . . that I have lost the opportunity to be present in their lives because of my "all or nothing" . . . because I run. And that is completely understandable and something I can live with . . . I just wish it could be different.

I almost feel like I need to do a "fourth step" (AA/Al-Anon) on my life . . . make amends to the people I have hurt . . . even though most of the time I hurt them out of my own brokenness . . . I still hurt them . . . and that sucks.

Can I go about seeking forgiveness from people who have moved on from being an active presence in my life . . .

Can I do it without seeking anything but to be honest . . . not asking for relationship or trust . . . but simply to share my brokenness and how I know I have hurt them . . .

Can I to ask to be forgiven . . .

Can I find release in that . . .

Can I let go of the relationship and its meaning in my life . . .

Can I leave it in my formative past as long as I make my attempts at reconciliation . . .

Does reconciliation mean that the relationship is restored . . . or is it more a matter of tending to the wounds and brokenness that exist . . . and moving forward . . . Possibly leaving the relationship behind?

For as broken and messed up as I am . . .
I have hurt so many people . . .

For as many wounds I have taken . . .
I have wounded just as many . . .

I need to bring peace to my life . . . to my past . . . to those I have hurt.

But how?