Processing . . .

So I am not sure how well I am processing this whole living in Ohio thing. The things that being here is forcing me to deal with really suck and I struggle with feeling like absolute junk on a daily basis because of that. I have to expend all the effort I have just to keep myself upbeat and optimistic about why I am here and to assure that I don't drown in the fear of the "What if's" and all the unknowns. I have been uncharacteristically silent in most of my interactions with people in the last few days as I find myself struggling with all that it is I am feeling and thinking and how desperate I am to express it, but yet hold it in due to fear of vulnerability. The ever present irony of my life is that I have exactly what I need in front of me, but I am too scared to take hold of it or open myself up to it. I am finding myself surrounded by some of the most true, genuine and kind people I have ever met in my entire life and yet I remain silent.

And though I am constanly reassuring myself that I am okay, and that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, I just really feel the desire to break and fall apart. It is as if that I need to let myself become completely broken before anything new can be built. And the idea of being broken, has just recently been related to my mind as losing complete control. The idea of giving up control is extremely dangerous to me. As control is something I value highly. This is because there were so many not so nice things that happened in my life and affected my life that I could not control, thus leading me to place great care and importance on the things that I can contol. So the idea that I need to relinquish complete contol of all that is happening is very frightening to me, being where I am, both in location and mindset is also very frightening to me.

There are many more thoughts running through my head at this late hour, but I really need to get some sleep. You can be assured that the processing will continue as soon as I am able.

To all the amazing LP people I have met again in this last week . . . thank you for kindness and genuiness . . . I truly feel welcomed here in Columbus.