So, I was supposed to go to the Death Cab for Cutie show tonight.

For some reason I decided that I just did not want to go.

I had been debating it all day.

When I found out some one else wanted to go (as to not waste the ticket), I was more the happy to give it up to them.

So now I am sitting here at 64 King, musing over the things that have been happening around and to me lately.

I went to Oxford, Ohio on Friday to visit some folks from the Veritas community . . . I went mostly for the spinach lasanga and buckeyes (meeting and conversing with good people was an extra bonus).

I ended up talking a great deal while I was there . . . they asked a lot of questions . . . and I had nothing to lose in answering.

I talked a lot about the things that I have been mulling through in the last three weeks.

I shared with them conversations that I have been having with some people here in Columbus . . . shared the depths of honesty that I have been laying before people lately.

The honesty just seemed to keep pouring out of me . . . there were no "I don't knows" or long silences . . . there were simply real answers to awfully hard questions.

I talked a lot about choosing or not choosing to follow Jesus . . . as it has been something I have been wrestling with quite a bit lately.

I went on and on about how frustrated I am with this whole process . . . how draining it is . . . how it touches every part of my life . . . how it demands more from me than I believed I am able to give.

I shared about my trouble with my "all or nothing" . . . and how much I wanted to be caught in my "all" and asked to commit to this.

That's right . . . I asked to be committed to something . . . which is huge . . . cause I am terrified of commitment.

It is the strangest thing . . . one of things I am most afraid of . . . is the thing I am longing for . . . desiring the most.

In all of my talking I figured somethings out too . . . things I did not expect to think or feel . . . I did not expect to find clarity in answering their questions . . . but that is exactly what happened.

I realized that for the most part, none of this has anything to do with me . . . it is about the kingdom . . . it is about things happening at a specific time, for a specific reason . . . whether I am ready or not.

It is about watching and helping the rule and reign of God break out in the lives of my friends, my community . . . it is about be open and be willing.

My feelings and reactions to situations are still valid . . . but they are not always the most important thing . . . and though I need to make space to feel them and work through them . . . the bottomline will never be about me, as much as it is about the kingdom . . . about what God is doing in me, through me, and around me.

These conversations were good . . . so very good for my soul . . . for the direction that I want to take my life.

I returned home with a passion I have not felt in a long time . . . and though I almost felt like I lost it on Sunday . . . I am bit more encouraged today.

In the words of my good friend Blake . . . I do believe my path has been permentanly narrowed.

Be Peace.