in search of resurrection . . .

2008-03-09T17:01:00.006-04:00

So as it is with most big changes in my life . . . I have decided to move the location of my blog.

Feel free to continue to follow my story here . . .

2008-03-09T09:43:00.002-04:00

I have thought often of returning to blogging in the last five or so months.

But it was only in reading an old blog entry, from at least three years ago, that made me feel like I had something worth sharing.

Life has been full of change and transition lately . . . I am learning and growing . . . simply experiencing my sometimes crazy and hectic life.

I wrote the below passage shortly after I met Mark Palmer online and was considering what my future was going to look like.

To me the passage is filled with hope . . . and it a hope I will gladly cling to right now.

All of the questions I have been asking needed to be asked. All of the things that I have been thinking, I needed to express them, and to keep expressing them. They are so essential to who I am becoming, to the disciple of Jesus I am becoming. I am exactly where I need to be at this moment in my life. If I have learned anything in the last two years, it is that each moment of my life, no matter how dark or hopeless or happy and filled with joy, comes at exactly the time it is meant too. Whether I feel down or not good enough, or like I am in the deepest valley ever, it is exactly where I am supposed to be. This is a journey, there are tons of different points, high low and inbetween. It is not always a matter of beating the depression or finding a quick happy fix, it is finding the meaning behind each moment. Especially the hurtful ones, the ones that cause you pain in the depth of your heart and the pit of your stomach, they are the ones that often mean the most, that teach you the most. It is about discovering why it is that you are there in that place, at that time. It is about taking in the experience, not obtaining perfection. This life is not about comparsions, it is about a personal spiritual journey towards the heart of God. About becoming a disciple of Jesus and fully understanding how much it costs.

2007-11-30T10:48:00.000-05:00

When I made my way to Mexico in the beginning of the summer, I knew my time there would change me.

Many thought I would go to Mexico and decide not to return.

But I did return . . . and many things had changed for me while I was there.

However, they were not the changes that I anticipated . . . in fact I was very much surprised by what happened to me in Mexico.

I came home with a very strong desire to root myself into life here . . . in the US . . . in Ohio . . . in Columbus . . . in Franklinton.

I had no idea that rooting would partly come to pass in the purchasing of a home . . . but it did.

And now, at the age of twenty three . . . I am a homeowner.

There are so many things attached that . . . so many things that happened to bring that to pass . . . but those things can be talked about in conversations.

It would be fair to say that something very big has happened in my life in the last four months.

Something I don't know how to describe . . . other than to say things just "clicked".

My search for resurrection has come to an end.

I am now knee deep in the beautiful process of coming alive.

Be Peace.

2007-11-15T21:52:00.000-05:00

My life really could not be any more beautiful at this exact moment in time.

Be peace friends.

2007-10-06T14:01:00.000-04:00

So I am officially in contract on 255 S. Yale.

The process was interesting and surprisingly quick . . . everything in happened in the less than two weeks.

As of right now, the plan is to close on November 9th.

So about a month from now 255 S. Yale will be my home . . . a home I will share with my mom who is moving here from New York.

I have thought a lot about the significance of buying this house . . . what it says about my life . . . and my future.

Among other things it means I am rooted here . . . rooted in life, rooted in family, rooted in Franklinton . . . and I really happy about all that.

If you had told me three years ago I would be buying a house here in Columbus . . . I would have laughed in your face.

But the truth is . . . now . . . I could not be more excited.

Good things are happening . . . good things are going to continue to happen.

Be Peace.

2007-10-01T15:56:00.001-04:00

So I just put an offer in on this house . . . .

What do you think?

2007-09-12T12:43:00.000-04:00

Charlie Hall has a new CD out called "Flying Into Daybreak".

I have been listening to it quite a bit lately, especially track number nine.

There is one line . . . "You bring daybreak in the night." . . . that keeps repeating in my mind.

Yesterday afternoon I traveled down to Oxford to have dinner with some friends.

I took this photo on the way home this morning.

I think the imagery of daybreak in the night is very fitting for the thoughts I processed on my way home this morning.

My cover got blown last night . . . and I did not even know I had been "under cover".

The friends I have down in Oxford have come to know me well over the last year . . . well enough to "call me out" last night.

I was surprised . . . but very grateful.

It would seem that I was trying to hide behind a lie . . . instead of living out what know God is asking of me.

The conversation we had over dinner and then "tetonka" brownies prepared the way for my daybreak.

I think I am no longer in search of resurrection . . .

. . . I think I am in the process of coming alive.

2007-09-06T21:35:00.001-04:00

Three years ago this night . . . probably close to this very hour . . . I was sitting on my friend Christa's couch wondering if I had made the right decision.

I had made it half way on my mini journey of a lifetime to Columbus, Ohio to start a new chapter of my life . . . and I was starting to get scared.

She told me that everything was going to be fine . . . that I had a life full of mystery and adventure ahead of me.

As it turns out things have been more than fine . . . and there has been plenty of adventure.

If you know me, you know I am date person . . . my life, my memories are all cataloged by date and sometimes even time.

So as I come up on three years of life in Columbus I have been thinking a lot about the life I have here and how I came about having it.

And it happens, that any time I take to reflect on my life here . . . I think about how I got here.

Which leads to me think about my dear friend Mark Palmer . . . and my heart gets a little heavier.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about Mark this week . . . thinking about the life he asked me to come be a part of . . . the life I have created for myself amongst the people here in Columbus.

When I spoke at his memorial service . . . I said I would never take this life that he gave me for granted.

And I really hope that I have held true to that statement.

Because it really is a beautiful life that I have here . . . filled with some of the most beautiful people . . . who have changed me so much.

I have learned so much about love, relationships, community and family in the last three years . . . I have grown so much because of these people . . . because of this life.

My hope is to grow and live and experience so much more here . . . because though I have been here for three years . . . I plan on being here for many, many more.

It has been three long and beautiful years.

And here is what I know . . I am not going anywhere . . . I am rooted . . . I am home.

2007-09-04T22:05:00.001-04:00

A year and a half later I am still learning about grief.

There is more to come on this line of thought . . . just not tonight.

2007-09-03T20:36:00.000-04:00

"May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart. May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace. May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy. And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done."
~A Franciscan Blessing~

Walk bravely. Christ is in you.

2007-08-31T22:30:00.000-04:00

Some people might dread driving twenty minutes home most nights.

I have come to treasure the time I spend driving on 670 each evening.

Most nights I get to see the sun set behind me as I drive.

But the view from my little Camry tonight was even more spectacular than all the sun sets I have seen in the last few weeks.

Tonight I saw a red moon rising.

I am not sure that anyone would out there would know just how significant that was for me . . . but I know the timing could not have been more perfect.

And I know that is just how God works.

Red moon rising . . . there is a red moon rising.

2007-08-30T08:36:00.000-04:00

I have no idea where the month of August went.

It has been a very busy thirty days . . . housing projects, starting a new job, making a trip to NY, visiting friends in PA and Oxford . . . the month seems to have passed me right by.

And to be honest, I don't have much to say for myself . . . or possibly there is too much to say and just not enough time to say it right.

Things are good . . . I am truly excited about this new season in my life.

I am and have been enjoying experiencing the people in my life every day . . . just taking this life in one moment at a time.

I know it may not be much . . . but that is all I have to say for now.

2007-07-30T08:09:00.001-04:00

In case I haven't seen you or you haven't heard . . .

I'm home.

Just thought I would put that out there.

2007-07-24T20:11:00.001-04:00

I was there just last week . . . with these beautiful people.

2007-07-19T22:04:00.000-04:00

This last week has simply been outstanding.

There are so many photos that I want to share . . . so many stories about my little vacation week.

But is has been a long and busy week . . . my internet connection has been limited, so today was the first time I was able to get my photos online and have access to blogger.

Here is just a little preview of the stories I want to share over the next few days.

We spent this past week hanging out in Tuxtla and taking day trips to some of the most beautiful places I have ever seen.

Monday we went to San Cristobal . . .

Tuesday, we took a two hour boat ride
through this spectacular canyon . . .

Wednesday, this fine group of people . . . went here :

There are many more pictures you can check out here . . . I hope to post some more in the next few days . . . as I am anxious to share with you all that I experienced this week.

Be well and smile.

2007-07-13T10:15:00.000-04:00

It has been a few days since I have posted . . . things have been busy here.

Tron, Curt & Jonathan were here visting from Columbus . . . I enjoyed their company immensely . . . especially all the adventures we went on together.

Monday was spent largely with coffee business . . . including seeing a coffee plantation way up in the mountains.

Tuesday we toured some of the churches in the area . . . including Benito Juarez & El Diamante. We got to spend the afternoon with Dr. Ruiz & his family in La Concordia.

Wednesday we headed up to Villa Flores to pick up Ruth and to visit a "zoo" there. After our time there we headed to Tuxtla to spend the night . . . since Tron, Curt & Jonathan would be leaving early the next morning.

Here is a photo review :

This is Silmer . . . he works with the coffee co-op. He took us up to plantations in El Naranjo. It was quite an experience to see where coffee starts . . . and to learn about how much work it takes to get a finished cup coffee from this plant.

The coffee plantation was sort of in the woods (aka - jungle) . . . Danny and Manuel went off the trail a bit and picked some bananas off of a tree.

This our group with the Ruiz Family . . . we had lunch by the lake in La Concordia. Juan was not with us . . . so I ended up having to do most of the translating for the conversations that took place. It was quite an adventure for me.

After we picked up Ruth . . . we went to a zoo in Villa Flores. The zoo is basically some really wealthy woman's collection of animals. This a photo of Ruth playing with a baby jaguar . . . we were able to unreasonably close to the animals. It was definetly an experience.

We ended our time together in Tuxtla. This is Danny & Juan standing at a "look out" point on the road into Tuxtla. That night we had dinner at Applebee's . . . which tasted just like home. The next morning we took Tron, Curt & Jonathan to the airport. We then spent the day with Maria's family. Juan, Danny, Ruth and I eventually ended up at the movies . . . we saw "Die Hard 4".

I have no idea what we will be doing these next few days . . . but I am sure it will be nothing short of adventurous.

Be Peace.

2007-07-09T00:25:00.000-04:00

In the last three weeks I have often found myself struggling to find the words to describe the beauty I am encountering.

I have a feeling I am going to have that problem tonight.

This evening was the closing service for Project Paul.

I want to hold the things I heard . . . the things I felt . . . the things I experienced . . . tonight and these past three weeks . . . in my heart forever.

We arrived to the closing service late . . . because we (Danny, Juan & I) were picking up Tron, Cut & Jonathan up from the airport.

As I walked in Claudia came up to me and told me that everyone was going to have to give a testimony about the week . . . my heart nearly stopped.

So I sat there for about the next hour, thinking of what I would say . . . how I would describe my experience with the project.

There were plenty of funny stories to tell . . . leche caliente, Manuel leaving me in Tigrilla, and late nights with the youth.

But for some reason, I opted not to go the funny and nerve relieving route . . . I went for what my gut was telling me . . . I decided to share how deeply I felt about what I had experienced.

I told them how I felt awkward the first week, that I was just a "gringo" who was going to get in the way . . . and how grateful I was that they let me be a part of this project.

I also told them that I felt a little "useless" at times because I could not speak Spanish very well . . . and so much of this trip was conversation based.

But the awkwardness and my lack Spanish did not really seem to get in the way of what God wanted to do.

And I think that was the point of these three weeks . . . that it was not really about me at all . . . but about God and His plans.

I didn't have much faith that we could plant/start a church in three weeks . . . and the truth is that we couldn't.

But God did . . . and experiencing that has changed my life.

Project Paul may be over . . . but there is still a great amount of work to be done.

On Sunday night as everyone was headed home . . . going their seperate ways for the first time in three weeks, Gaby (the team leader in Tigrilla) turned me and said, "Don't forget Tigrilla".

And I told her . . . there is no way I ever could.

2007-07-07T14:18:00.000-04:00

He wanted to really live . . .

. . . so he had to die . . .

. . . and now he is truly alive.

2007-07-07T09:34:00.000-04:00

This was my yesterday . . .

Someone donated twenty chairs for each of the new churches.

They all had to be painted white.

Danny and I got through about half of them yesteday morning.

I ended my day in Tigrilla . . . at the "culto" which was
attended by 12 adults, 11 teenagers & 18 children.
Because of Proyecto Pablo there is a now a church in
Tigrilla . . . a new group of people who want to follow Jesus.

2007-07-07T00:31:00.000-04:00

I have learned many lessons in my three weeks here in Mexico.

One of the greatest . . . most meaningful lessons . . . has been about friendship.

You see . . . I have learned that friendship does not care about things like language or time.

It simply happens . . . it simply is.

There really are some things that are the same in every language . . . some things that do not really need words at all.

For this I am extremely grateful.

Karo & Me in Tigrilla.

2007-07-05T23:05:00.000-04:00

Today I had my second experience with the earth shaking beneath my feet.

Apparently there was 6.1 earthquake in Tuxtla this evening . . . which is the main city about two hours away from here.

We felt a slight tremor here in Jaltenango during dinner . . . it was a bit bigger than the first I felt sometime last week when I was in Tigrilla . . . it lasted a little longer, too.

My time in Mexico has definetly brought about a lot of firsts . . . but I say experiencing an earthquake comes close to top of the "coolest" firsts.

Things are going well here . . . there are many stories to share . . . I was thinking today that I cannot wait to come home and tell people the stories that go with the hundreds of pictures I have taken.

To describe what it felt like to stand on what seemed like the top of the world . . . or share about some ridiculous game I played with the teenagers in Tigrilla.

Right now I know my pictures may seem like random images . . . but there are beautiful stories hidden in each picture . . . beautiful stories that I will take with me in my heart.

I'll be home in about month to share them with you.

2007-07-01T01:42:00.001-04:00

I have heard it said that pictures speak a thousand words . . . but I don't think that pictures or words could capture the last 48 hours of my life.

The team in Tigrilla needed an extra "body" for a couple of days , so they sent the gringo . . . I am so very grateful that they did.

There are so many little stories from the last few days . . . from how I ended up there, to my experiences with "regla uno" and just tales from hanging out with twenty teenagers.

But my time is limited . . . so I am choosing to simply share with you a few photos of the people I spent the last two days with.

Hopefully I will have some time in the days to come to share more of my experiences with you.

Juan Carlos and Franscico . . . Franscico is obsessed with
learning English.I think every other word out of his mouth is asking
me how to say something in English.

Me, Mauricisio, & Alexis.

Mauricisio wanted a group shot holding the picture of the
American Flag he asked me to draw and sign for him . . .

David and Jose Manuel . . . our two bodyguards.
These guys follow us around on their bikes everywhere we go.
I don't think I could ask for better company.

This is most of the group at the "culto" (service) last night.
What an amazing and funny group of young people.

Did I mention how excited I am to go back tomorrow?

2007-06-26T22:38:00.001-04:00

Here is a little photo recap from the last few days . . .

This is a photo is from the middle of last week . . . but I just got it from Danny's camera and I thought it was a pretty nice shot of a group us, when we were stranded on the side of road with a very flat (and stuck) tire. From the left you see : Maddai, Juana, Sessia, Danny, Yuri & me. Good times with great people.

This is the team of young people from San Pedro who came and worked with us in Pajal this weekend . . . they are a great group of people, with great hearts. It was a privilege to work along side them.

I took this picture this morning . . . this is Claudia & Maddai . . . they are two of the team members from Project Paul. The whole group came back to Jaltenango for a recap of this weekends happenings. We had a full house here at the District Center . . . it was nice. I have really enjoyed getting to know this fine group of young people . . . I hope to continue many of these friendships beyond this trip.

Today in Pajal we had over fifty kids come back for our children's service. These are three of the kids who seem to be in love with getting their picture taking. We had a lot of fun singing, playing games (Duck, Duck, Goose . . . and some other games that I have no idea what their English translation is) and talking about God creating the world. It has been great having the same kids coming back each day . . . I look forward to seeing them again tomorrow.

Life is happening . . . and I am a part it.

2007-06-26T12:57:00.000-04:00

Ya aprendiste lo necesario?

That is the question of the hour.

2007-06-25T08:41:00.000-04:00

It is Monday . . . which means I have made it through a complete week here in Mexico.

I am few days behind in sharing about life here.

The last few days have been filled with work projects, VBS's, visitations, and lots of walking.

Since I last posted I have . . . push started a car (more times than I can count), ate lunch by a creek where I gotten eaten alive by bugs, got pulled over by the police, hitchhiked down the mountain (because the car would not start again after the police pulled us over), made sock puppets, worked with a team of young people from San Pedro to paint the Health Center in Palaal, done two children's services and who knows what else.

Here is a picture of some of the kids that attended yesterday's little service:

Yesterday it rained . . . I should say poured . . . for a couple of hours straight.

After we ate lunch (which is at 3pm) . . . we decided to go play in it.

This is what we look liked after :

I would really recommend playing soccer and kickball in the rain with this fine people, any day.

It is more fun than I could possibly convey.

Well, I am off to the farmacia, to pick up some of the things we need to make breakfast today . . . french toast for the whole team . . . it is called breakfast "Gringo Style".

Peace and love to you all.

2007-06-21T00:00:00.000-04:00

It is rare to encounter beauty that cannot be contained in words.

I saw it twice today.

My first experience with breath-taking beauty came during my ride through the mountains to visit two of the communites we will be working in.

I took this picture (along with many others that can be found here) while riding in the back of big truck soaring down the mountain.

The picture does not even begin to do it justice.

My second experience encountering beauty was during our "culto" (service) tonight.

Due to some car difficulties we were almost two hours late for service.

When we arrived the church was praying at the altar, waiting for us to arrive.

The focus of the rest of the service was prayer and testimony.

Five or six of the jovenes on the team got up to share their thoughts on what they had been experiecing over the last four days.

Juan (my faithful translator) was up playing the guitar . . . so Danny and I had no clue what they were sharing.

But as I was sitting there . . . just listening to them talk in Spanish . . . I was struck by how deeply these young people are committed to the work of God.

Most of them are younger than me by a few years . . . some have only been followers of Jesus for a year.

But their hearts are filled with this unexplainable passion and commitment to the work that God has set before them.

Bringing the kingdom here on earth is all that matters to them . . . they have sacrificed greatly to be a part of this project . . . to have the opportunity to plant these new churches in the communites we will be working in.

Here is a picture of the fine group of people I have spent the last week with . . . if you are the praying type . . . lift these folks up this week as they bring the kingdom to five different communities here in the mountains of Mexico.

2007-06-20T00:37:00.001-04:00

I think I forgot just how beautiful the mountains are here . . . simply breathtaking.

The hospitality of the people is amazing . . . the Molinas are beautiful people . . . it is a privilege to share a roof with them.

Maria has been taking very good care of us (the two gringos) . . . she has packed us extra sandwhiches each day, along with a cooler full of drinks.

Today is my third day here in Chiapas, Mexico . . . each day has been full of life and adventure.

I am one of sixteen jovenes (young people) involved in a missions project called "Project Paul".

We have spent the last three days in training and will continue the training tomorrow and Thursday.

Thursday afternoon we will be sent out to the communities where we will be planting churches.

There are five communities in which we will be working in . . . in teams of two and three.

My team has three people . . . the two gringos (me and Danny) and Juan, our faithful interpreter.

Danny is a gringo from Arizona who is here to work with Molina's for the summer . . . I have had a good time getting to know him . . . I will admit it is nice to not be the only gringo.

Our team will spend the first two days in the community participating in a program of the church of the Nazarene called "Maxima Mission" . . . youth from local churches will come and do community service and programs for children.

The following two weeks will be spent following up on the contacts made and finding leaders for the new church in the community.

As beautiful as the trip has been thus far . . . I am almost certain that I will be returning earlier than planned.

I had planned on being here for ten weeks and helping the Molinas with there work in Chiapas (along with having a good time being in their company) . . . however the last three days have birthed a new vision in my heart . . . a calling of sorts.

I am enjoying working along side them to bring the kingdom into the unreached places in Chiapas . . . but I believe God is calling me to my own "abandoned place of the empire" . . . a place I am to settle in . . . create roots . . . live and love deeply.

It has yet to be determined when I will return to Columbus . . . it will probably be sooner rather than later . . . I am eager to begin living again.

"Coming Alive" . . . is a concept that I have been praying through over the last four months . . . coming to Mexico was a large part of making that a realization in my life.

But I had no idea that coming alive here in Chiapas . . . would lead me home.

Only God knows.

Peace to you and yours this night.

2007-06-15T12:57:00.000-04:00

So I made it to New York.

I had hopes of blogging from the Columbus airport, but the internet connection was not being friendly.

My flight to JFK arrived thirty minutes late . . . which made me have to move quickly to get to my connection on the other side of the terminal.

I then sat on the plane headed for Syracuse for thirty minutes while we waited for the airports version of rush hour traffic to clear up . . . which consisted of some twenty three planes taking off before us.

Only to arrive in Syracuse and find that my luggage did not move as quickly as I did to make my connection and did not arrive in Syracuse with me.

I am currently waiting for a call from Jet Blue to let me know if my luggage will be arriving on the next plane flying in from JFK.

I am also baking for my own going away party.

I will be in Syracuse till my mom gets off work this evening . . . when we will travel down to Middletown where my family lives.

I'll spend tomorrow hanging out with family and leave for JFK in the early evening.

My flight to Tuxtla departs from JFK at 1:00am on Sunday morning.

I am nervous and excited . . . at the same time.

I am not sure what my internet connection will be like when I first arrive . . . but I will be sure to post as soon as I have the chance.

Be peace my friends.

2007-06-14T07:05:00.000-04:00

In yesteday's mail I received two cards . . . both from Bowling Green, Ohio.

Each had a sentence that really struck me . . . each had a line hit me like a beautiful ton of bricks.

The first read :

"You're gonna learn & grow so much this summer Jen & I'm genuinely excited to see who this makes you".

My nerves have been slightly on edge as my departure date approaches . . . the only thing that has been able to calm them is the reality of how much my life is going to be enriched by this experience. I, too am genuinely excited to see who my time makes me.

And the second read :

"When you are lonely and down remember you have lots of people in New York, Ohio, even Bowling Green, Ohio who love you!"

What a beautiful and much needed reminder. My life is filled with amazing people who love and care about me deeply . . . people who will miss me when I am gone. And if lonely nights come in Mexico . . . I will have them to think of . . . and I know that will bring me peace.

2007-06-13T07:11:00.000-04:00

One of my countdowns has finally come to end.

Today is my last day (. . . for the summer . . . ) at Northwest Christian Childcare.

If you know me . . . or have seen me at all in the last few weeks, you know I have been eagerly awaiting this day.

So much is happening right now . . . I feel constantly busy . . . always something to do.

It will be nice to have a day or so to finish up my preparations.

I cannot believe I leave for NY on Friday . . . then off to Mexico in the early hours of Sunday morning.

There is much to write . . . much I have experienced in the last month that I really want to share . . . that I want to remember.

Ruby arrived yesterday . . . she is beautiful . . . I am so happy I got to meet her before I went to Mexico.

Maybe the next few days will allow me sometime to write more . . . maybe.

2007-06-10T08:54:00.000-04:00

I have tried about a dozen times to sit down and write over the last two weeks.

I seem to get two or three sentences down and then get distracted or struggle to figure out to convey all that happening.

There is a great I want to write about in these next few days . . . a great deal of things that I want to remember about the last two weeks.

But this post is for my friend Evan.

Yesterday was Evan Daniel Stetler's first birthday . . . and I was privileged enough to be in attendance.

Evan is the only person that I have ever met on the day they were born.

I cannot believe it has been one year since he was born . . . it seems like the time has passed so quickly.

This little boy (along with his two brothers) are gifts of peace and joy to my world . . . I am so very grateful to have them as such a big part of my life

Happy Birthday Evan . . . I look forward to watching you grow.

2007-05-29T07:37:00.000-04:00

I did a little traveling this Memorial Day weekend.

Friday after work I headed down to Ironton, Ohio to spend some time with Kelsie and the kids . . . on Saturday afternoon I headed out to Oxford to spend some time with Cathy & Glenn and the Vertitas community.

Both my visits were good for my soul . . . the conversations, laugher and simple presence encouraged me in big ways.

Thank you Kelsie and Cathy & Glenn for your incredible hospitality and friendship.

Here is a little pictoral review of my weekend :

Grammy & Maggie on the porch . . . Grammy is a real cool lady . . . I am glad to have the privilege of knowing her . . . and Maggie, she is just a super sweet little girl.

It was good to get to hang out with Canaan (who was not a big fan of getting his picture taken) . . . my favorite time with him was at the park on Friday (which was in Ashland, Kentucky . . . there by being my first ever trip to Kentucky) . . . we "raced" down the slide. Which basically consisted of him going down before me, me exclaiming "Hey, wait for me!" and then sliding down after him. I think we repeated that game at least a dozen times.

What you are looking at is some of the finest bread in the world. Kelsie made me some cinnamon bread from the "Simply in Season" cookbook . . . it was absolutely amazing.
I mean it . . . amazing.

The drive from Ironton to Oxford took me through some of the most beautiful scenery I have seen in the state of Ohio. The majority of my three hour drive was spent on back, winding roads. It was a slow and peaceful drive . . . I soaked up every minute of it.

Somehow I left Oxford without getting myself a picture with Cathy . . . so my photo representation of Oxford speaks more to their community . . . Veritas. This the cup they use when they share communion. I got particpate in their weekly gathering on Sunday night. It was awesome to share a meal with them (turkey, asparagus, mashed potatoes . . .) and be a part of their conversation. I have really enjoyed getting to know this little community over the last six months.

There are some cool things happening in Oxford these days . . . these are some of the posters they processed some thoughts on during their retreat a few weeks ago. They are now up on the wall in their "community" room, where they meet for prayer every Thursday morning. The kingdom is coming in Oxford, Ohio . . . you can see it in the hearts and lives of Veritas.

2007-05-22T06:48:00.001-04:00

These are the days . . .

. . . I will remember.

2007-05-18T09:27:00.000-04:00

It is a strange feeling to allow myself to flow with the current of life . . . willingly.

To not flail my arms around . . . protesting the direction my life is taking.

All my past protest . . . all it did was slow the inevitable . . . and sometimes bring unnecessary pain.

It is a beautiful thing to trust . . . to walk hand and hand with providence.

I may not know where my life is headed . . . but I do know why it is headed there.

And that my friend is something . . . it really is something.

So, I don't really have a clue what my life will look like this fall . . . and that has the potential overwhelm me with a tad bit of fear and anxiety.

But I want to choose to let go . . . to trust . . . to know in my gut that providence . . . that God . . . knows and is leading me.

Breathing deep . . . letting go . . . moving with the current . . . letting life wash over me.

I like this feeling.

Feel free to remind of this . . . if I ever forget.

Be Peace.

2007-05-16T14:50:00.000-04:00

"No trite spirituality for you. I just know that
God is real . . . and He is not silent."

~Angela Bale

2007-05-14T13:03:00.000-04:00

It is good to be awake and alive.

I spent a beautiful weekend in New York with my family and some old friends.

I think I learn to love and appreciate my family more every time I see them.

There was nothing out of the ordinary about the visit . . . which is comforting in a way.

I am really lucky person . . . my life is filled with beautiful people . . . in New York, Pennsylvania, Colorado and here in Ohio . . . I am loved . . . I don't think I could really ask for anything more.

A month from today I will be returning to NY as I prepare to leave for Mexico.

The time is passing quickly . . . some days too quickly.

I think I am ready (though I am sure my spanish needs some help) . . . but as much as I am ready to be there . . . I will miss here.

2007-05-09T14:34:00.000-04:00

I know I am about to be incredibly vague . . . but that is because this post is mostly for me . . . because I wanted to document what I am feeling in this moment.

So I can come back and look at . . . and maybe some day learn from it.

I am bit heavy with dissappointment right now.

My feeble attempts to discern fault and/or responsbility have yielded nothing but frustration.

I hate feeling like I screwed something up . . . like I failed.

But yet at the same time . . . it almost had to happen.

Like this is the only way I would have allowed myself to be released.

Part of me wishes this release did not come at this price . . . that there was not this sinking feeling of anxiety brewing in my gut.

But what can I do . . . I cannot change what has happened or where I am choosing to go.

I am tempted to view the situation in the light of the phrase "cutting my losses" . . . but that seems so dark and pessimistic.

How about this . . . "it is what it is" . . . beautiful . . . painful . . . hopeful . . . hurtful . . . simply life.

I need to give myself permission to let this go . . . and I think that is what I am doing by writing all of this.

Letting myself know it is okay . . . it is okay to make this choice . . . to take these steps.

It is okay to be frustrated . . . even a little angry . . . it is okay that things end . . . it is okay to walk away . . . it is okay to move on.

I leave for Mexico in a little over thirty days . . . each day that passes I understand a little bit more of what it means to be going . . . and what it means to be leaving.

Only by the grace of God, go I.

2007-05-07T22:12:00.000-04:00

On August 24th 2006 I wrote the following :

"The analogy for the day . . . this is going to be like throwing up . . . eventually I will feel better."

2007-05-03T08:14:00.000-04:00

I think I am being asked to let it go . . .

. . . so I am letting it go.

2007-05-02T09:41:00.000-04:00

In this photograph I am thirteen years old . . . it was taken in August of 1997.

The hat I am wearing in the picture was the first hat that I wore constantly . . . I think I wore it every chance I could for three or four years straight. Essentially it was the beginning of era where "Jen-Leonard" always wore a hat. It was a simple hat . . . navy blue with a tan brim . . . I think I bought it at Bradlee's (a local department store) . . . if I still had it . . . I probably wouldn't deem it "cool" enough to wear.

The jersey I have on is from my Uncle Kenny's softball team . . . my dad's brother in law. I spent some of my spring breaks down on Long Island with him and my Aunt Linda.

I am being put in choke hold by my friend Angelo Sarna . . . he has a twin brother named Billy . . . I was friends with them for most of my teenager years. They are from a town in New York called Brewster. I met them through different sectional (Hudson Valley of the A/G) activities . . . the first being Bible Quiz . . . which was basically the center of my life back in my youth.

We are in the basement of the Carmel American Legion . . . where I attended my first local AIM (Ambassodors in Mission) trip. I, along with about 30 other teenagers from the Hudson Valley were helping the Carmel A/G church with some evangelism and children's activities.

I met a lot of cool people on that trip . . . made some really neat connections that lasted throughout middle and high school . . . some that I even still know now.

It was on this trip that I first met Pastor John Jackson . . . whose family would eventually play a very significant role in my life.

This trip was four months after my first youth convention . . . where I "felt the call of God" into full time ministry . . . at this point in my life I wanted nothing else but to become a youth pastor and eventually a missionary.

God was my life . . . there was nothing else.

It is hard to believe that this picture . . . this part of my life . . . was almost ten years ago.

2007-05-02T07:15:00.000-04:00

Photographs can remind you of stories that you thought you had forgotten.

They remind you of the life you once lived . . . what you thought you would become.

A single photo has the potential to reveal what your everything was . . . is . . . could be.

It can tell the story of what your life was centered around . . . who or what was the world to you.

Photographs can represent seasons . . . a period of time in your life . . . when you thought you were going to be this one person . . . possibly forever.

You would have had certain dreams . . . desires . . . ambitions . . . certain things you were sure your heart was telling you to do.

But now . . . maybe those things are different . . . the things you dreamed of when you were 12 . . . maybe not be your dreams at 23.

And I know this is the case for me.

So I decided to take sometime to look back . . . to look at a particular photograph and think about who I was then . . . who I wanted to become.

Here I go . . .

2007-05-01T06:33:00.000-04:00

When I moved to Columbus . . . the reasons I thought I was coming for . . . did not end up being the reasons that I stayed.

And the reasons that I stayed for, over two and a half years ago . . . are not the reasons I am here now.

In all my thinking and planning . . . I don't think I could ever pegged how this was going to turn out . . . the shape my life would take here in Columbus.

And I'm alright with that . . . in fact I am actually kind of happy about it.

My life and the way I choose to follow Jesus have undergone this radical and beautiful transformation during my time thus far in Columbus.

And I like where I am at . . . I like the things that I am getting excited about . . . I like the direction I am taking my life.

I like that I feel like I am finally coming alive again . . . after feeling lost and a little dead for so long.

I am coming into the resurrection that I have been searching and longing for.

It was my time in Mexico that made me realize that it was really possible for me to be alive again.

And a conversation I had last night . . . that encouraged me to continue in the direction I am heading.

I leave for Chiapas in forty-five or so days . . .

"I'm alive . . . I'm alive . . . I'm alive"

2007-04-27T20:41:00.000-04:00

I know I have already posted something similar to this before . . . but last night, in a conversation with my good friend Kyle Bowman . . . it came up again.

I wrote the following paragraph or so for the upcoming Missions Convention at Northwest Nazarene Church . . . the church attached to the childcare that I work for.

They asked me to share about why I am going to Mexico this summer . . . this is what I wrote:

One of the mornings that I was in Mexico in February, I was asked to lead the devotion. I shared with them some scriptures that have been heavy on my heart . . . words that God would not allow to escape from my soul. I read from Isaiah 35, which speaks of redemption and restoration. I told them about my struggle with God's call on my life, and that I did not know what to do with it, since I left the path towards full-time traditional ministry. But that even though I had not figured out what the next ten years of my life were going to look like . . . I was 100% sure about the nature of my vocation. I knew then and I know now that my life is to be about telling the story of God's redemption and restoration.

When I left Mexico . . . I left knowing that I wanted to return . . . that God had awakened something in me while I was there . . . something that could not be denied.

So two months from now I will be in Jaltatengo, Mexico . . . spending my time with the Molina Family and serving among the people there. I am going because I know God is asking me to . . . He is asking me to give my life completely unto His service . . . and I don't have any problem with that. I long for my life to be a life dedicated to service, redemption, restoration and resurrection . . . I want my life to radiate the love of God to this world.

So that's my story . . . or at least the beginning of a new chapter in it.

Kyle and I talked about the kingdom last night . . . about how it is to be realized in our lives.

We are desperate for action . . . desperate to live lives that reflect God and his kingdom.

And lately, to my surprise . . . I've noticed this kingdom life is taking on a different shape than I had anticipated . . . but one that I am welcoming with open arms.

Be peace . . . be love . . . my friends.

2007-04-25T22:23:00.000-04:00

2007-04-19T13:28:00.000-04:00

"Uncle Footsie & Walter"

2007-04-13T06:35:00.000-04:00

I think I have allowed myself to come down with "broken record" syndrome.

I have noticed that I seem to be having the same conversations . . . sharing the same thoughts . . . hoping for the same changes . . . with no evidence of moving forward.

Granted I may be making tiny steps forward . . . and the thoughts that are shared make a little more sense each time I share them . . . but I fear I am suffereing from a serious case of "in-action".

It was on Good Friday . . . at the third station of the cross that I felt the weight of my in-action.

"Thy will be done" . . . that is all there is.

I thought about it a great deal that night . . . and tried my best to flesh it out then and there . . . so it would not just become another fleeting thought.

It is like there are these things in my head that I know I should be doing . . . and it not the kind of should that is oppressing and that brings guilt . . . it is the kind of should that speaks life . . . that pulls me toward something more.

I have said on multiple occasions that I am tired of talking . . . that I want my life to be overcome with action . . . but then I just keeping talking . . . or worse, I forget about it all together.

So what is to be done?

When will I stop talking and begin to really live?

Is the time coming for me to be fully alive?

2007-04-10T00:24:00.000-04:00

I know movies are fiction . . . at least most movies.

And in these fictional movies . . . the characters are not real . . . they are written by writers . . . crafting a story.

I am well aware that the character in the movie I saw does not exist . . . but people like him . . . people with his story and his pain . . . they do exist.

Pain like that exists in this world . . . gut wrenching pain . . . it exists.

There was one point in the movie . . . that I just wanted to tell him I was sorry.

Tell him that I was sorry that it hurt so much to remember.

Sorry that the pain cut so deep . . . that it changed him.

The depth of the pain made me question whether everything in this world really does have some redeeming value.

Whether or not light can be brought out of such darkness.

Whether all the parts of someone that have been broken can be made whole again.

I also wondered what being made "whole" again looks like . . . and how perhaps life made new may not be the same life it once was.

I thought a lot about redemption and I thought a lot about love.

I questioned whether my life speaks to those two things . . . whether they are something that I bring with me, wherever it is I go.

Cause I want them to be . . . to be with me . . . to radiate from me.

I want love to "Reign Over Me".

2007-04-07T19:00:00.000-04:00

I read this over on Rose Madrid-Swetman's blog . . .

“More and more, the desire grows in me simply to walk around, greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, throw water, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time to practice this simple ministry of presence. Still, it is not as simple as it seems. My own desire to be useful, to do something significant, or to be part of some impressive project is so strong that soon my time is taken up by meetings, conferences, study groups, and workshops that prevent me from walking the streets. It is difficult not to have plans, not to organize people around an urgent cause, and not to feel that you are working directly for social progress. But I wonder more and more if the first thing shouldn’t be to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and tell your own, and to let them know with words, handshakes, and hugs that you do not simply like them, but truly love them.”
- Henri Nouwen

Presence . . . I have so much left to learn.

2007-03-27T21:18:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was the first time I had been there in over six months.

I drive past that place every day on the way to work . . . but have not been since the day after Mandy & Fez got married.

I don't think I have quite figured out why it is I go there . . . I am sure I could attempt to name a bunch of different reasons . . . and though they would all be appropriate . . . none of them would really fit.

I went after I got off work yesterday and just sat there on the grass.

Sat there and remembered that day . . . the tent that surrounded the area . . . the casket . . . all of the people . . . the tears . . . the disbelief.

I ran through a couple of dozen "what if's" . . . questioning how things would be different . . . how I would be different.

There is no doubt that I miss him . . . no doubt as to how his life and his death have impacted my little world.

I spent a lot of today thinking about the kingdom.

I listened to a few lectures that Mark gave for Underground Seminary . . . he was such a passionate teacher.

I wish he was still here to teach me . . . I feel as though I have so much left to learn.

My head has the potential to be spinning in circles right now . . . there are so many thoughts . . . so many memories . . . so many questions.

But in the end . . . I know that I miss him . . . and that the fact that it has been an entire year . . . it just does not seem possible.

At the memorial service, I said that I would never take this life for granted . . . this life given to me by Mark Palmer, when he asked me to move her over two and a half years ago.

I hope I have held true to that statement . . . this life . . . this community is a beautiful gift . . . that I would not know if it weren't for Mark.

One year.

"It happened so quickly . . . after taking so long."

2007-03-26T20:35:00.000-04:00

I am writing from my new home . . . 1510 Worthington Ave.

I will be living here with Kyle & Rachel till I travel to Mexico in June.

I started the move yesterday with plans to finish up throughout the week and finally settle in sometime this weekend.

However I realized today that I was putting off moving in . . . so I could put off dealing with reality.

So I decided to "bite the bullet" and just finish moving in tonight . . . and here I am.

The reality that I was hoping to avoid as long as possible . . . it is by no means a bad reality.

It is simply a new reality . . . actually it is multiple new realities . . . new life changes.

Moving out my apartment . . . my first apartment . . . there was just so much wrapped up in that little space for me.

Even though I did not really spend all that much time there . . . it was a pivotal point in my journey . . . my year there was very defining for me.

Leaving Grandview is kind of a big deal to me too . . . I have lived in that neighborhood since I moved to Columbus over two years ago . . . the sights, the smells . . . it is so familar . . . it is home.

There is just so much there.

But life changes . . . I am sure my scenery will change quite a few more times in the years to come.

One of the biggest realities that moving cleared the way for is the fact that I am really spending the summer in Mexico.

It is funny . . . I think this last week was the first time that it really sunk in . . . when the phrase "I will be in Mexico for the summer" took on life and meaning.

It means that I will leave my life . . . my family . . . my community for two and a half months and live in Jalatengo, Mexico.

It means that I am going somewhere where I cannot help but returned changed.

I realized this week just how much I am going to miss my life . . . my people here.

But two and a half months . . . it is not forever . . . and I will return.

As always there are more thoughts to process . . . there is something weighing a little heavier on my mind tonight.

I will be sure to spend some time writing about that tomorrow . . .

2007-03-24T21:54:00.000-04:00

Life lately . . . wow has it been busy.

I am currently sitting on the Bean's couch in Indianapolis, Indiana . . . just one of my many destinations over the last few weeks.

By now, most people know that I going to Mexico for the summer.

The departure is planned for June 17th and my return home will be sometime in the last week of August.

I am currently in the process of moving out of my apartment . . . and it has been quite the process.

I should be settling into the Bowman's for the next two months sometime this week.

Between moving, some traveling on the weekends, and preparing to leave work for the summer . . . life has been busy.

I am finding myself with a great deal to process these days.

Big thoughts have been floating through my head . . . thoughts about simplifying my life . . . about spending 2.5 months in Mexico . . . about what the Spirit of God is trying to do in my life.

I suppose I will get around to elaborating more on those thoughts sometime soon.

For now, I have been trying to spend as much time as I can with these three boys . . .

. . . they are beauty and peace in my world.

2007-03-15T18:15:00.000-04:00

I recently had a birthday . . . it was a pretty fabulous one.

Here is the good wishes that I received at work :

Here are some of my favorite people making me a birthday cake . . .

Here I am blowing out my candles . . . it was a lovely birthday celebration . . . absolutely lovely.

In case you cannot tell . . . they made me a princess cake . . . because I am totally the princess type.

My birthday was fabulous . . . the celebration was extended multiple days with multiple cakes.

I think I am the luckiest twenty three year old in the world . . . my life is filled with people who love me big . . . I really could not ask for anything more.

2007-03-08T16:38:00.000-05:00

I have been searching my heart for something profound to say about my time in Colorado.

Because the time I spent there was very significant to me . . . more than I could have ever really expected it to be.

Seeing my friend Colyn was good for me . . . good for my insides . . . good for my soul.

It was refreshing and yet extremely difficult . . . but only the best kind of extremely difficult.

I am still trying to process everything that I experienced and talked about during my brief stay in that beautiful place.

I am still trying to understand how someone like Colyn ended up in my life.

It took me almost four years to go out and visit her . . . it took almost four years for me to even begin to know her.

I would say that I should have gone sooner . . . but life has taught me that timing is everything . . . and I think the timing of this was perfect.

Not a day too soon or a day too late . . . but it certainly could have been for a day or two or five longer.

If you have never been to Colorado . . . I would have to suggest you make the trip.

If you don't have someone like Colyn in your life . . . well . . . you have no idea what you are missing.

2007-03-07T20:13:00.000-05:00

Reaching day three of a trip that was only four days long was kind of sad.

Everyone that I met while I was in Colorado, was astounded that I was only staying four days . . . they thought seven would be more appropriate.

One of those fine people was Gabriel . . . I got to share a meal with him and Colyn at the Atlanta Bread Company on Sunday afternoon.

Rewind, I almost forgot to mention that Sunday morning was spent at Mile Hi Church . . . this is Colyn's church . . . Gabriel does the sign interpreting there.

This is him and Colyn . . . I am sure I have better shots of him . . . but this one made me laugh the most.

After lunch we headed up to the Red Rock Amphitheater . . . it was breathtakingly beautiful.

They have concerts here . . . I cannot imagine how cool it would be to hear live music played in the midst of such beauty.

After Red Rock, we headed up to Ft. Collins to hang out with Colyn's friends.

Colyn is a pretty fantastic person . . . so it is no surprise that her friends rock as well.

I enjoyed their company and look forward to the chance at hanging out with them again soon.

The night ended pretty early (considering the two nights before) and we were at her home hanging out by around 10pm.

Day four was spent on Pearl Street in Boulder.

I ate the best burger I think I have ever had at a place called "Mountain Sun" (we think).

This is Colyn chilling in the booth . . .

After lunch we wondered the streets a little bit . . . Colyn purchased me a fantastic birthday present at this quaint woman's bookstore.

And then the fourth day was over . . . we headed to the airport to give me enough time to make my 6pm flight.

As I said goodbye to Colyn at the airport I wished that I had schedule a much longer trip . . . especially since I left Colorado without getting a massage.

But I was reassured that there would be a next time . . . which means I will hopefully be headed back out West sometime soon.

Anyway, there are few concluding thoughts that I have to share about the trip . . . but I will leave them for tomorrow.

2007-03-06T16:22:00.000-05:00

Soon after my arrival on Friday, we looked up my "while in Colorado to-do list" and set up making it happen.

Hunger was present among both of us, so we decided to head out to dinner (number four on the list).

On the way to dinner we stopped by her store (she is a manager for Bath & Body Works) . . . it was super cool to see where she worked . . . to learn more about her life (also known as number six on my list . . . one that we would return to often . . . )

We ended up having dinner at Calfornia Pizza Kitchen . . . before dinner though we stopped by Nordstrom's Cafe.

Soy Chai at Nordstroms . . . that is part of our history . . . something from Providence Place in Rhode Island.

This is me at CPK . . . eating a spring roll . . . I made Colyn take this picture as proof that I ate this new and foreign food.

The rest of the night was pretty uneventful . . . I got a tour of the mall we were at . . . learned more about Colyn's life . . . then headed back to her place to hang out.

Friday night into Saturday was the very first time in my life that I was awake for twenty four consecutive hours . . . this a huge and note worthy thing for me . . . twenty four whole hours.

Day two began fairly early . . . as we needed to get the tire fixed for the rest of our adventures.

It began the best way a day could ever begin . . . Colyn's "warm grapenuts" . . . a comfort food she once made me in Providence . . . also know as number one on my list.

This is where we went on our adventures . . .

We spent all of Saturday morning exploring the mountains at Rocky Mountain National Park.

Colyn and I then shared a meal at a little Italian place in Estes Park . . . Colyn said her meal tasted a little metallic . . . oh well.

The rest of the afternoon was spent watching movies at Colyn's place (number two of my list) . . . I got to view the likes of Channing Tatum twice . . . "She's the Man" & "Step Up" . . . good flicks.

After consuming her delightful "Shepherd's Pie" (number five on my list) . . . we headed for a 10:40pm movie . . . yeah, that's right, I went to a movie at 10:40pm.

It was great movie . . . "Gray Matters" . . . you should check it out.

Day two ended with falling asleep to "Ever After" . . . one of Colyn's favorite movies.

This is one of my favorite shots from day two . . .

The trip continues tomorrow . . .

2007-03-05T00:40:00.000-05:00

The story of my trip begins with a flat tire . . .
The actual tire was not available to be photographed, so the friendly donut tire filled in . . . the flat was too busy wallowing in its demise from being punctured by a screw . . . a discovery that was made right about the time Colyn was supposed to come pick me up at the airport.

So, with no friend Colyn at the airport to take me to her house, I had to buy one of these :
It was nice hour ride to Longmont from the Denver airport . . . I met some very nice people on the Boulder Super Shuttle . . . a lady from Circleville, Ohio who was originally from New Jersey . . . and then there was the driver who was really in to the Christian Ska & Punk scene and was friends with the likes of Five Iron Frenzy and Squad-5-0.

And then I arrived on Dudley Lane and this beautiful person opened the door and let me into her life for the weekend.

And this was only the beginning of day one . . .

2007-03-01T17:54:00.000-05:00

I am headed to Colorado tomorrow morning for a long weekend.

A trip out there has been a long time coming for me.

One of my favorite people in the whole world moved out there (from Rhode Island) when I moved back to NY after my one year of college.

I am finally (after almost four years) taking a trip to see her.

I don't think I could be more excited.

Life has been certainly been interesting since I have been back from Mexico.

The basic gist of it is that I am going to go back to Mexico . . . in June . . . for the summer.

I am not quite sure how everything came together or how the next few months are going to play out . . . but I am okay with the direction my life is heading . . . it just feels right.

This is the family I will be staying with from the middle of June till the first of September :

2007-02-26T19:01:00.000-05:00

For now there are no words . . .

2007-02-25T11:20:00.000-05:00

Truth is a beautiful and painful thing.

It is liberating . . . even when you don't want to be set free.

2007-02-08T19:42:00.000-05:00

I was in charge of the devotions for this morning here in Jaltengo.

I lead the group I am a part of in Morning Prayers from the Celtic Daily Prayer.

I shared with them scriptures that have been heavy on my heart these days.

I talked about redemption . . . reading from Isaiah 35 . . . a scripture we meditated on in gathering back in September.

I told them that I had spent the last few years feeling lost.

That I did not really know where my life was headed after I left the path I was on towards full-time traditional ministry.

And even though I have not figured out the next ten years of my life . . . I told them that did know the bottom line of my vocation.

I told them that I wanted my life to tell the story of redemption and restoration.

That God can take what is broken and give it life again.

And that God can use what is broken to bring life to others.

I have no idea the shape my life will take in the coming weeks, months and years.

But I do know what my passion will be . . . what I will cause my life to be driven by.

Service. Redemption. Restoration. Resurrection.

2007-02-05T19:45:00.000-05:00

I am sitting in a little internet cafe in Jalentengo, Chiapas (Mexico).

It is beautiful here.

I hear it is pretty cold back in Ohio . . . I baked in the ninety degree sun on Saturday.

I am a little sun-burned and my back hurts pretty bad . . . but I am loving it.

In the last few days I have learned how to mix cement, make cement blocks, lay blocks, put mortar between them, pour foundation and so much more.

I don´t think I have ever used a shovel so much in my whole life.

But beyond the hard labor and muscle aches, I have been able to experience the beauty of Mexico.

The people are amazing . . . they put us gringos to shame in their hospitality and humility.

The land is breathtaking . . . the mountains are unbelievable.

There is so much to say and I still have an entire week here.

I am not sure if I will find my way back to this little cafe, so I might not see a computer again till Saturday.

I am really glad I took the opportunity to come on this trip . . . really, really glad.

Peace and love my dear friends.

2007-01-31T12:08:00.001-05:00

I am going to Mexico tomorrow.

Fourteen individuals, including myself, will be going on a work and witness trip with Northwest Church of the Nazarene.

We are headed to the southern most part of Mexico . . . around Tuxtla and Chiapas.

The plan for the time spent there includes a few medical clinics and helping the locals build a church.

This is my first missions “endeavor” is over four years.

My worldview has shifted back and forth a lot in the last couple of years . . . I am interested to see what kind of experience this trip will be for me.

I have a sneaking suspscion that it is going to change me . . . being face to face with reality often has that effect on me.

Wish me well dear friends . . . I shall return in ten days.

2007-01-26T14:55:00.000-05:00

I believe it is time that I started to take care of myself.

This is my journey. . . my life.

It is directed by my decisions . . . my choices.

My happiness and my healing are my own responsibility.

The rest of the world might just have to take care of itself for a little while.

Here I go . . .

2007-01-19T06:27:00.000-05:00

I have been asking a lot of questions lately.

Some of them I have shared with other people . . . but mostly I have been asking myself.

I am okay with all the questions.

I am okay with that place I am at despite how ugly I feel inside sometimes.

I am okay because I know that asking questions like these has never steered me wrong before.

It may have changed my direction and upset the delicate balance of my routined life . . . but never steered me wrong.

So I am really am okay with all the questions.

And for now, I am okay with not having all the answers.

2007-01-08T18:44:00.000-05:00

2007-01-06T19:17:00.000-05:00

I had lunch at Johnny Rockets today.

I sat at the counter and ordered a regular burger and a plate of 1/2 rings and 1/2 fries.

There is nothing all that spectacular about the food there . . . I only go there to remember.

I was first introduced to Johnny Rockets at the Providence Place Mall.

I began my job there at Old Navy in August of 2002.

I had just started school at Zion Bible Institute in Barrington, Rhode Island.

I have been thinking alot about how pivotal that year I spent in Rhode Island has been to my life.

I don't think I realized then or even in the last few years how much that year changed me.

When I take the time to sit and remember that year it almost feels a little foreign . . . like I am remembering someone elses life.

That year was intense and heavy . . . filled with more questions than answers . . . if I had only known then that it was a only a foretaste of what was to come . . . who knows if I would have kept going.

To some that year of my life is when I began to "back-slide" . . . when things that I had been okay with for me entire life, suddenly just weren't enough.

My life forced me to be the bravest I had ever been that year . . . but I think that is only because I was the most terrified I had ever been in my life . . . scared to death about the choices I was making and this new direction my life seemed to be taking.

As I sit here and trace hundreds of moments . . . hundreds of memories through my mind . . . I know two things.

I would never want to relive that year of my life . . . but I don't regret a moment of it.

Sure, I made a ton of mistakes . . . I probably could have gained even more from that year of my life had I just been a little more open . . . but I know that kind of openness had to come in time . . . my own time.

I know it must seem strange for all of this to come to my mind when I have lunch at Johnny Rocket's . . . but that it just the kind of unique memory association that my life is built around.

I am glad I had lunch at Johnny Rocket's today.

I am grateful to be able to remember.

2006-12-31T13:06:00.000-05:00

I am sitting in the new coffee house in Grandview . . . "Luck Brothers" . . . it is right next to my apartment . . . certainly convient.

I have spent the last few days doing a lot of thinking . . . reflecting . . . and drowning my "sorrows" in a stack of DVD's I rented from the Grandview Library.

I gave myself some space this weekend . . . it was a good idea . . . but it was hard.

Being left with my thoughts . . . especially after this year, this month, this past week . . . well I will put it this way . . . I would have rather been distacted by life than had to think about.

Oh, what a year it has been.

I am looking forward to tomorrow . . . for no other reason than it begins the new year.

Though the passing of time and years does not mean as much as it used to . . . I am more than open to the idea that this coming year will be better than the last . . . even if the only thing seperating them is a day.

2007.

2006-12-29T12:31:00.000-05:00

peace and action.

2006-12-29T06:25:00.000-05:00

I conquered a fear of mine yesterday.

I went down to Columbus State Community College.

I signed up for three classes for winter quarter . . . and jumped through all of the hoops neccesary.

However, after much debating I am going to drop all three classes.

I think it is going to be better to wait till Spring to take a look at the beast of academia.

I went down there yesterday to see what my options were . . . and though I thought there would not be options for this coming quarter, there I was signing up for English, World Civ. and Freshman Seminar.

Before I knew I had paid my bill and was at the bookstore picking up books.

After the whirlwind of that experience, I spent the remainder of the afternoon and evening thinking about what I was doing.

And I came to the conclusion that going back to school is definetly in my future, but I think I jumped too quick on everything that happened yesterday . . . and want the process to be slow with the least amount of anxiety possible.

So today I will drop my three classes, with the hopes that they will be waiting for me come Spring and Summer.

2006-12-19T19:33:00.000-05:00

Before last night I never thought that the term “rich” applied to me.

I have read the Bible often throughout my life . . . I have read the scriptures condemning the rich . . . forcing humility upon them, many many times.

But there was never any reason to throw myself in the category of the “rich” . . . “rich” meant you a had a lot of money or possessions . . . and I certainly have never had much of those.

However compared to ninety percent of the world . . . I am rich.

Rich because I have the choice between hot and cold water . . . because I breathe in clean air and have immediate access to clean drinking water . . . because I own a car . . . because I make more than two dollars a day (nevermind what I earn in an hour) . . . because . . . well because so many different things.

I am overwhelmed with these thoughts . . . but they make too much sense for me to ignore them.

I hate that this feels like it is all or nothing . . . my passion for the things once ignited is likely to explode and what does that really look like in the context of my life here, in Columbus, now?

I cannot shake the feeling that no matter what I do it will never be enough . . . and that makes me want to do nothing.

This is not about carving out a time for a program, activity, ministry or weekly meeting . . . it is about a way of life . . . another great blow to the once rock solid worldview.

My worldview . . . the way I view the world in which I live has been shaken to the core in the last two months . . . more so than when I ventured out of my original box and moved from NY to Columbus two years ago.

As much chaos as the destruction of my worldview has brought to my life . . . I have found myself welcoming it.

Cause like I said . . . though it overwhelms me so completely . . . it makes sense.

Don't worry . . . I am not saying any of this to judge you . . . to question your convictions . . . cause those are not really any of my business.

This is about me . . . and what I hear God speaking to my heart . . . it is about the thoughts that I can no longer ignore or quiet with random "good deeds".

I am not trying to sound all drastic or "radical" and I am not coming down too hard on myself or judging myself too "strictly".

I am just trying to process what it really means to serve the poor . . . to be poor . . . to offer my entire life to this whole following Jesus thing.

Yeah . . . I don't know.

"Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming upon you. Your wealth has rotted and moths have eaten your clothes. Your gold and silver are corroded. Their corrosion will testify against you and eat your flesh like fire. You have hoarded wealth in the last days. Look! The wages you failed to pay the workmen who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of Lord Almighty. You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. You have fattened yourselves in the day of slaughter. You have condemned and murdered innocent men, who were not opposing you." -James 5:1-6

2006-12-18T06:34:00.000-05:00

2006-12-05T06:16:00.000-05:00

I spent the last week reading "Christ & Violence" by Ron Sider.

Here are just a few of the things that got me thinking . . .

"One can only agree with James Douglass . . . In the contemporary world of affluence and poverty where man's major crime is murder by privilege, revolution againist the established order is the criterion of a living faith. . . . Truly I say to you, as you did it not to one of the least of these, you did it not to me (Matt. 25:45). The murder of Christ continues. Great societies build on dying men." -pg.69

"But the basic question is really whether we will dare to measure our lifestyles by the needs of the poor rather than by the practices of our affluent neighbors." -pg.78

"The other part of the bad news we must face is that we have talked about peace and then glady enjoyed the fruits of violence. Claiming to believe that it is the peacemakers who are blessed, we have to a terrible degree happily accepted the benefits of the violent status quo." -pg.93

2006-11-27T19:47:00.000-05:00

I am broken.

I don't understand how I got that way.

I kind of get the theory of why things are the way they are.

I sort of comprehend the causes and their ugly effects.

But I still don't really know how things got the way they did.

I don't understand how my life has broken me.

2006-11-20T16:09:00.000-05:00

We are beginning to find our beautiful people and are choosing to radically love them.

They are our neighbors . . .

They are the poor . . .

They are the homeless . . .

They are the broken . . .

They are right in front us . . .

2006-11-20T06:29:00.000-05:00

I read this on Chris Marshall's blog this morning . . . .

"To follow Jesus includes a road of suffering. It is a baptism of fire. No one asks for it, but they happen and the desert is a very rough teacher. Continuing the cycling of grief makes all the talk of emerging church and ministry so irrelevant. If you want to be cool and hip and relevant, stay out of ministry and find a job in marketing. If you want to follow Jesus, then pick up your sword and start swinging. Its not a program nor technique, its War and it will take the wind right out of you. There will come a day when the Kingdom comes in fullness, for now, its reality is only in part here. But. . . that's a pretty beautiful part. You want a ministry? Forget all the books and techniques. Find the people you think are beautiful and love them. Its not anything more complicated. To fulfill that love, it will cost you everything. But in following Jesus, you inherit everything that matters. "

It was very timely to read that this morning . . .

I think what Eric said on Thursday night . . . about it being about radically loving those around us . . . is really the bottomline of all of this . . . it really is all about love.

2006-11-19T17:00:00.000-05:00

I am feeling a little lost today.

I feel like I have just been moving through my day stuck in this weird place.

I feel like I failed people in my interactions with them today . . . I could have been more aware . . . more present . . . more myself . . more helpful . . . a better friend.

I don't know.

2006-11-16T06:40:00.000-05:00

Some thoughts from "The Broken Body" by Jean Vanier :

"This way is open to us all.
Jesus calls some to leave everything
and to become beggars of compassion like St. Francis.
He invites others to leave their familiar surroundings
to share their lives fully with the poor and weak.
Still others, he calls to invite an elderly neighbour,
or a child with a handicap,
into their hearts and homes.
Jesus calls each one of us to go deeper,
and to be compassionate as he was compassionate.,
wherever we find ourselves,
and whatever our circumstances."

"It is then we discover
that we are the poor.
At l'Arche we might have come to serve the poor,
but we will only stay
if we discover that we are the poor,
and that Jesus came to announce the good news,
not to those who serve the poor,
but to those who are poor!
It is the broken ones who lead us
to our brokenness,
and to the knowledge that we need a healing saviour.
Thus they lead us to Jesus,
to healing,
to wholeness,
to resurrection."

2006-11-14T21:14:00.000-05:00

Twenty minutes of silence.

Twenty minutes of memories.

Sitting on this couch.

Sitting in this living room.

I just don't get it.

2006-11-13T19:20:00.000-05:00

So, I was supposed to go to the Death Cab for Cutie show tonight.

For some reason I decided that I just did not want to go.

I had been debating it all day.

When I found out some one else wanted to go (as to not waste the ticket), I was more the happy to give it up to them.

So now I am sitting here at 64 King, musing over the things that have been happening around and to me lately.

I went to Oxford, Ohio on Friday to visit some folks from the Veritas community . . . I went mostly for the spinach lasanga and buckeyes (meeting and conversing with good people was an extra bonus).

I ended up talking a great deal while I was there . . . they asked a lot of questions . . . and I had nothing to lose in answering.

I talked a lot about the things that I have been mulling through in the last three weeks.

I shared with them conversations that I have been having with some people here in Columbus . . . shared the depths of honesty that I have been laying before people lately.

The honesty just seemed to keep pouring out of me . . . there were no "I don't knows" or long silences . . . there were simply real answers to awfully hard questions.

I talked a lot about choosing or not choosing to follow Jesus . . . as it has been something I have been wrestling with quite a bit lately.

I went on and on about how frustrated I am with this whole process . . . how draining it is . . . how it touches every part of my life . . . how it demands more from me than I believed I am able to give.

I shared about my trouble with my "all or nothing" . . . and how much I wanted to be caught in my "all" and asked to commit to this.

That's right . . . I asked to be committed to something . . . which is huge . . . cause I am terrified of commitment.

It is the strangest thing . . . one of things I am most afraid of . . . is the thing I am longing for . . . desiring the most.

In all of my talking I figured somethings out too . . . things I did not expect to think or feel . . . I did not expect to find clarity in answering their questions . . . but that is exactly what happened.

I realized that for the most part, none of this has anything to do with me . . . it is about the kingdom . . . it is about things happening at a specific time, for a specific reason . . . whether I am ready or not.

It is about watching and helping the rule and reign of God break out in the lives of my friends, my community . . . it is about be open and be willing.

My feelings and reactions to situations are still valid . . . but they are not always the most important thing . . . and though I need to make space to feel them and work through them . . . the bottomline will never be about me, as much as it is about the kingdom . . . about what God is doing in me, through me, and around me.

These conversations were good . . . so very good for my soul . . . for the direction that I want to take my life.

I returned home with a passion I have not felt in a long time . . . and though I almost felt like I lost it on Sunday . . . I am bit more encouraged today.

In the words of my good friend Blake . . . I do believe my path has been permentanly narrowed.

Be Peace.

2006-11-12T13:55:00.000-05:00

Welcome home . . . to the status quo.

This is simply unacceptable.

But yet it is.

2006-11-07T19:48:00.000-05:00

Change is sometimes so constant that you don't even realize it is happening . . .

I have always been the type of person that needs to come to terms with things in my own time. Regardless of other's opinions and how right they may be about a certain topic or situation . . . I always needed to figure it out for myself . . . to come to my own conclusions.

It would seem that has been happening in big ways in my life lately . . . I have been coming to my own conclusions . . . in my own time.

Last night was real.

Last night has the potential to be a catalyst of much needed change . . . but it has only the potential . . . I need to produce the follow through.

It has not even been 24 hours . . . and I already feel like I am seriously lacking some follow through.

Maybe if I remember . . . remember that this isn't about me . . . the follow through will arrive right in time.

Crazy logic? I am sure it is . . . but I'll go for it.

2006-11-05T15:12:00.000-05:00

Believing there is a God . . .

Following Jesus . . .

Committing myself completely to this way of life . . .

Finding peace in the transition . . .

Soaking in the the process . . .

Making this decision for myself . . .

Knowing that I could never really walk away . . .

All or nothing . . .

Here we go.

2006-10-29T20:45:00.000-05:00

I am on vacation.

The weather is beautiful.

Hanging with my mom is great.

Life is good.

2006-10-25T06:31:00.000-04:00

Yesterday. . . at least everything before 4pm . . . could be classified as the day from hell.

The story is too involved to get into . . . but the day was full of stress and it was just a total disaster.

But I would have to say I arrived at a definite turn around at 4pm.

Nothing can really beat hanging with little Evan Stetler (and his fun older brothers), great conversation with his super cool mom, veggie mac & cheese, Jeni's ice cream and a good movie. So thanks for redeeming my day Kerri . . . it means a whole lot.

Have a beautiful day . . .

2006-10-23T05:44:00.000-04:00

"Maybe this is just how it supposed to be the first time you are here."

Someone said that to me back in August . . . and it has stuck with me in a very powerful way over the last two months.

Maybe things are, the way they are, when the are . . . for a very specific reason.

Maybe every moment, every thought, every interaction, every conversation, every minute of my life is exactly how it is supposed to be . . . maybe there are no such things as expectations and life not really meeting them.

Maybe I am really okay (despite how I feel) . . . maybe this is just what my life needs to look and feel like right now.

It is not about getting it right . . . or some perfect ideal of how it is supposed to be.

It really is a journey . . . and maybe this is exactly how it supposed to be at this point.

2006-10-22T11:40:00.000-04:00

This place is full of beauty.

This place is full of life.

This place is full of good people.

This places helps me believe another world is possible.

I will remember my time here at this place . . . for a long time to come.

2006-10-12T07:23:00.000-04:00

When I was in the midst of making the decision to move to Columbus over two year ago, I found myself sifting through a mess of confusion.

I was torn between the life I knew . . . the life and direction that was so comfortable, labeled and boxed up, ready for me to live . . . and the life I could have in Columbus.

I was desperate for peace . . . peace to know that I was making the right decision or even what the right decision was.

So I emailed Mark and asked if he thought that I would be able to find peace . . . if he thought it was something attainable in the situation I found myself in.

He said it was . . . that it may not look like or even feel like what I want it to . . . but it does exist.

The problem for most is that they confuse peace with comfort . . . having a peace about what is supposed to happen next, does not always mean it will be comfortable . . . it just means that you know that is what God is asking of you.

2006-10-06T10:08:00.000-04:00

"Grace"
by Wendell Berry

The woods is shining this morning.
Red, gold and green, the leaves lie
on the ground, or fall,
or hang full of light in the air still.
Perfect in its rise and in its fall, it takes
the place it has been coming to forever.
It has not hastened here, or lagged.
See how surely it has sought itself,
its roots passing lordly through the earth.
See how without confusion it is
all that it is, and how flawless
its grace is. Running or walking, the way
is the same. Be still. Be still.
"He moves your bones and the way is clear."

This poem has really been resonating with me lately . . . the more I read it . . . the more I understand it . . . the more I am able to take from it.

I don't think I could have been introduced to this poem at a better time. Thanks Phil.

2006-10-05T16:10:00.000-04:00

I spend about thirty minutes awake in my apartment every day.

It would seem that thirty minutes a day is not very much.

Is this an issue to I should be concerned about?

Cause if it is . . . I don't know how I feel about that.

2006-09-29T19:25:00.000-04:00

The call to honesty is screaming louder than the call of fear.

Right now and forever until it is completed . . .

2006-09-27T09:15:00.000-04:00

Six months.

"It happened so quickly . . . after taking so long."

2006-09-20T19:59:00.000-04:00

One the biggest reasons my life is so beautiful is because Mark Palmer was a part of it.

In seven days it will be six months since he passed away.

I just cannot believe it will be six months.

I miss him . . . alot.

As I feel my life being connected deeper and deeper into the life of the Landing Place community . . . I miss him even more.

When he invited me to move out here over two years ago, I don't think I really knew exactly what I was getting into. But here I am . . . still here two years later . . . and I am pretty sure I am almost entirely a different person then the one he corresponded with in the Summer of 2004.

I wish Mark could be here . . . to see the change that has happened in my life, even in just the last few months. I wish he could have seen more of who I was becoming . . . as he invested so much in that process.

I wish Mark could be here for the community . . . for Amy . . . for Micah.

I just wish he was still here . . . and he isn't . . . and it sucks.

You would think after six months it would seem more real . . . in some ways it does . . . but sometimes I still cannot comprehend it . . . I cannot process the images in my mind from his hospital room . . . from the burial . . . my mind and my heart cannot make sense of it all.

Six months . . . I just don't understand.

2006-09-20T05:52:00.000-04:00

I am currently reading a book called "Homage to a Broken Man" . . . it is basically the biography of Heinrich Arnold . . . who was part of the beginnings of the Bruderhof.

One of the most striking things for me thus far in my reading was their care for the broken (also known as outcasts and degenerates to society). Both Eberhardt and Heiner (and for the most part the community at large) cared deeply for the broken . . . deeply enough to take them into their families, stay up with them all night to make sure they did not harm themselves, sleep outside their doors so they could not run away in their madness, protected them . . . and so much more.

They embodied love. Truly embodied love.

Another world is possible.

2006-09-19T06:06:00.000-04:00

So my destructive pattern in relationships sucks . . .

It has not carried over very much into my life here in Columbus . . . but the aftermath that it left in my life before I moved here . . . it is awful.

I had (and sometimes still have) the tendency to run when things got too close or when I felt too vulnerable. I have hurt people deeply because of my fear and that sucks . . . really bad.

I have always been an "all or nothing" kind of person . . . "all or nothing" kind of friend. And that is really great for the people who received my all . . . but really shitty for those who were receiving my "all" and that got shafted into nothingness by my fear.

It would appear there is a major need to for confrontation and reconciliation on my part . . . my list of "misdeeds" towards others is astronomical . . . I feel as though it is time I laid that all bear . . . let them in to my inner "messed-up-ness".

For some it would appear it is already too late . . . that I have lost the opportunity to be present in their lives because of my "all or nothing" . . . because I run. And that is completely understandable and something I can live with . . . I just wish it could be different.

I almost feel like I need to do a "fourth step" (AA/Al-Anon) on my life . . . make amends to the people I have hurt . . . even though most of the time I hurt them out of my own brokenness . . . I still hurt them . . . and that sucks.

Can I go about seeking forgiveness from people who have moved on from being an active presence in my life . . .

Can I do it without seeking anything but to be honest . . . not asking for relationship or trust . . . but simply to share my brokenness and how I know I have hurt them . . .

Can I to ask to be forgiven . . .

Can I find release in that . . .

Can I let go of the relationship and its meaning in my life . . .

Can I leave it in my formative past as long as I make my attempts at reconciliation . . .

Does reconciliation mean that the relationship is restored . . . or is it more a matter of tending to the wounds and brokenness that exist . . . and moving forward . . . Possibly leaving the relationship behind?

For as broken and messed up as I am . . .
I have hurt so many people . . .

For as many wounds I have taken . . .
I have wounded just as many . . .

I need to bring peace to my life . . . to my past . . . to those I have hurt.

But how?

2006-09-18T18:03:00.000-04:00

This is my friend Eric . . . some people call him "Yoder" . . .
I think it fits him well.

2006-09-17T09:35:00.000-04:00

I just finished up a book entitled "Contemplative Youth Ministry" . . . it was great. Not just for the insight it provided into youth ministry, but for its ability to make me want to be more contemplative. Seriously . . . I am so stoked to start practicing some contemplative exercises. Anyone interested in diving head first in with me?

Fall is coming quickly in Ohio . . . the mornings are already a bit chilly . . . it is awesome. Though I have difficulty comprehending that summer is over . . . simply because it went by so quickly, I am looking forward to fall.

The Stetler's come home today . . . they are a pretty nifty family . . . who have been missed by their community while they were on vacation . . . I am super excited for them to be home.

I have learned a lot about being present to people in the last few weeks . . . I am coming to believe that being present and loving people is really all there is. And if that is what the rest of my life will look like, if I am to spend my days loving people and simply being with them, well then I am ready to settle in and begin living.

Be Peace.

2006-09-15T20:24:00.000-04:00

Understanding and love are truly one.

Confrontation. Reconcilation.

Today is my dad's birthday . . . all week I have been thinking about why it is that he really has no idea who I am . . . and has never really tried to find out . . . he has never really known his own daughter. He knows more about his old drinking buddies and the guys he goes fishing with now, than he does about me.

I don't understand . . . and to be honest, it hurts.

I would like to understand . . . I would like it not to hurt.

2006-09-08T06:01:00.000-04:00

Redemption is coming . . .
Redemption is here . . .

Last night we gathered around a fire at 827 Northwest Blvd. and shared poems and prayers centering around Isaiah 35:1-10.

It was a very meaningful time for me.

Everything that was written, shared, and prayed was very signficant.

I walked away very encouraged by the night . . . I feel like it was such an edifying time for the community . . . but especially for me.

Redemption . . . restoration . . . reconciliation . . . ressurection.

All of these things are possible . . . all of these things are happening.

The proof is in my life.

2006-09-07T05:42:00.000-04:00

Two years.

There probably could be and eventually will be a great deal of reflection on the last two years of my life.

However, life has been so full this week . . . full of friends, conversations and shared meals . . . that I have not had the time to do it.

Which is honestly, almost all the reflection one really needs . . .

2006-09-04T10:25:00.000-04:00

I often struggle with the fact that there is so much beauty in my life . . . but I feel so much pain inside.

The people I have surrounded myself with . . . the people that have chosen to surround and support me . . . they are beautiful . . . breath-takingly beautiful.

Sometimes its just hard to feel that . . . hard to trust that.

But I am slowly learning . . . slowly walking towards them.

Last week I had a crisis of faith . . . a crisis of life.

My crisis . . . my cries . . . were answered with a knock on the door . . . with phone calls . . . with a tremendous amount of love and support.

So tremendous that I have no idea what to do with it . . . I want to learn to just experience it . . . to feel the richness of it.

These last two years have been a long journey of faith . . . a journey I am learning has only just begun.

The ideas of "journey" and "process" . . . well, sometimes they scare the shit out of me.

But the reality that I will never be in this alone . . . it changes everything for me.

It really does . . .

For now my waking moments are spent praying that God would continue to raise the dead in me.

I am at a new beginning . . . I am somewhere in the middle . . . I have faith that someday there will be an end.